Worth

despondent. 

crestfallen.

dejected.

melancholy.

disconsolate.

 dispirited. 

inconsolable.

Generally I care vary little for how others perceive me.

I have very few reasons for giving a shit in any direction. 

If you've gained my respect, don't burn me. I will hate you for life.

 I hold grudges, keep record of wrongs, tally black marks and don't give a fuck about how bad you feel, how sorry you are or even how little you care. You die to me until I need to remind myself of why you were forgotten. 

My boss, Robert West has managed to extinguish the last bit of light that I had for my job.

He repeatedly told me that my heart is not in the store.

 I asked for a raise based on a evaluation so I could get paid what I feel I'm worth instead of just asking for a raise or so I could see where I would need to improve in order to make more.

That was 6 months ago. 

Back when I gave a fuck.

 He never evaluated me. 

He did, 3 months later, offer me a senior assistant position with more responsibility for a raise.

I declined.

I'm stupid enough to still want a career as a massage therapist. I didn't want to become a cornerstone in the store when there was a chance that I might need to leave. 

I thought I was doing the right thing. 

I'm learning the hard way that very few people and jobs care one way or the other about 'the right thing' 

There's all this shit all over the store about being a good leader and what you can do to get there.

 I loved my job once. 

I now know that my heart was in it because it's been broken.

 I took all that shit to heart. Leadership traits, core values, blah, blah, blah, blah.

 I wanted to be a good manager. I thought that I was. 

I asked Rob if it was worth it for me to stay at Papa Johns, to become the senior assistant.

For a long time he didn't answer and finally said 'I don't know how to answer that'

I guess I should have left then. 

I should have left last year when I threatened to quit because of James Scott and it was the devil himself that retained me with a raise. Not Rob. He would've let me go.

I should've been smart enough then to realize just how worthless a manager I am to Rob. 

Lesson learned.

 

Stupid words

When people say that their head is swimming, I always picture a brain putting on a bathing suit and swim cap then climbing to the top of some obscenely high diving platform and pep talking itself to jump. That description does not conjure the feeling that I'm trying to convey when I say, 'My head is swimming' Instead, I'll say 'My head is in a brandy parlor' The kind you might imagine a group of well-to-do older gentlemen in smoking cigars and drinking...well, brandy or what have you. To come into a brandy parlor an hour after everyone has arrived and is in good spirits is not just painful, it's hard to breathe, the eyes burn, the conversation is infuriating and the whole experience is uncomfortable at best......for me at least.
To feel muddled mentally, like you can't organize your thoughts properly or say things the way you hope to, you could also say 'I have morning brain' or 'My brain just took a dump the size of Texas and took half my IQ with it'
You know, I have no idea why I started this blog.