:(

Its difficult to want to go on being the best you can when the best that you are just doesn't seem good enough.

12-21-12 really? You expected something more?

Item was my sincerest hope that today wouldnt so much be the end of the world but rather the end of an age.
The age were we require a magical sky daddy to shirk our responsibilities and forfeit our rational to. The age were common sense is revered like jem because of its scarcity. The age in which the 'spell' of the 'almighty dollar' was finally broken. The age of apathy. The age of violence. The age of greed. The age of hopelessness....
I know that without war, we cannot know peace. Are we so far gone as a race that we cannot redefine what war and peace are? It baffles me completely how one human can choose to end the life of another for a reason other than by request. (Im alright with assisted suicide. I may need help myself one day.)
I want to rant passionately, wax impacting poetry, stir souls and rejuvenate the senses of our inner sleeping giants. Wake up our strength and take ourselves back. We cant even see that we deserve to be more than the mindless-zombie-fodder-retards that we've become.
I want to tell you all how special, perfect and powerful you all are!
Most of all, I want you to believe it.
We could make a difference and influence change if we could somehow manage to give a fuck...even just a small one.

(Le sigh)

I think about things.
Then i dream about them, vividly.
I fear that as i age the dreams i've had will replace my memories.
I'll tell stories like, 'sure i've seen the world end a couple of times...from different locations' '..so this one time when i was watching Einstein, Hitler, Ghandi and Stalin play hacky-sack while sipping luminescent champagne...' and '..i learned how to fly once when i was a vampire. All you have to do is run as fast as you can and jump a few times till you break free of the gravity! People dont realize that gravity is actually very slow!...at vampire speeds anyhow'
I have quite a few recurring dreams. Some different dreams that happen around/in the locations of other dreams and the best one yet is when i discovered that they are, literally, all connected. I got to revisit dreams past and remembered a few that i had forgotten.
It's a beautiful and frightening place, nightmares occur there too but worth the risk, in hindsight.
I take things/people with me too. All i have to do is think about them.
More real to me than life and those that know me well wonder how i could sleep so much!

Fucking Connecticut

I've been avoiding giving it any attention. If my little girl was randomly murdered by some disturbed individual, the last thing i would want is to hear or see it, Repeatedly, everywhere.
When i heard about the shooting, my heart broke and i wanted nothing more than to hold Julia. Then i felt it brake again for the loved ones that no longer had their babies to hold. Part of me understands that there are batshit crazy fucks that do stupid shit for no good goddamned reason out there and then theres another part that just. doesn't. get it.
No amount of love and support can help the families. Only time, but even then the pain of loss is omnipresent. If they were here in my living room i'd still hug them. I'd cry with them. I would apologize profusely as if it would help and feel the crushing powerlessness.
Loss is humbling. Loss drains you without permission or warning.
Loss keeps those i love close to me. Loss causes me to love those around me more.