One of "those" days

Depression sometimes comes in waves. I'm currently getting hit by the kind of wave where it always seems cold enough to be bothersome everywhere I go and no matter what I wear. Everyone speaks just loudly enough for it to be overwhelming, no matter the topic or who the company. Every positive step forward has a push back and every push back is a blow. All I can think to remedy it is to curl up into bed, lock the door and turn off the light till it washes over, however, having a 4 year old, a job, a significant other and their mother (who is a fantastic human btw) makes for constant interruptions. Waking up every 2 hours because of nose issues or blanket tangle problems has made sleep similar to treading swells: dark, exhausting and relentless.
This too shall pass, yeah? Hopefully before I drown.

Grounded

Sometimes when you're depressed and just trying to cope, you have off days where it's much harder to deal with than others.
I'm having one of these days.
Every so often I feel like part of me is dying. Not in a painful way but simply ceasing to exist. Than part is painful, the recognition that these holes that appear come and go as they please and it feels that there is little, if anything, I can do to stop it. It spawns other feelings like when you lay down next to your lover and you touch them because you feel like you're spiraling and maybe just having that contact will make you feel grounded, make you stronger....then they roll over. It's nothing you've done and they aren't aware of your feelings but that slipping away while you feel like you're falling is utterly defeating. I silently cry into the pillow.
I'm glad in a way for these feelings because at least I can still can feel. I've been as far down this rabbit hole as you can get without successfully ending your life. I have felt nothing. Been nothing. An empty shell with no gravity.

Another letter for you

Hey Cass!
If you were alive today we would make plans to hang out and do something fun. I'd like to go see a movie and maybe grab some lunch. You can tell me all of your goals and we can share ideas about the future that we can help each other with. We could laugh at all the stupid girls and boys that want so little for their lives. We could laugh at all the ridiculous feelings we have about the world. We could sit quietly and just enjoy each other's company.
I haven't done an open Mic night since you died. I barely play guitar anymore although I very much want to. I wonder what songs you'd like for me to learn for you that I would if you were here.
I want to tell you all about my amazing daughter. I want to show you how wonderful she is...I want her to know her aunt Cassidy. She's beautiful and sweet, kind and independent she'll be strong too, you can see it in her smile :)
I feel a terrible absence, ever present, looming just around the corner from all my happy moments. I can't say that I'm haunted but I can say perpetually wounded. Always rubbing the empty space, trying to get relief. Existing without you is so goddamned hard. It's not something I talk about with anyone, I don't feel like they would understand anyway. What am I supposed to do? Just cry on them? No one wants that. Except for maybe us lol. I know i could cry on you but if you were here, I wouldn't need to. If you could read these letters I write to and about you, you'd probably tell me suck it up and move on. Ha! You can't! I'm going wallow in my misery to spite you because then, at least, I still feel connected to you. I love you. I miss you, all the time. I thought you should know

Yours, truly-
Sarah

Miss you

There's so much I want to talk about and only you will do. Too bad you're still gone. I wonder what you would feel now. What kind of things would you say? Would we be the same size and share clothes still? Would we be getting mad at each other over dumb shit and eating too much candy? We'd definitely watch a horror movie or two but you'd also make me sit through romantic comedies and would groan and roll my eyes while you laughed at my best effort to act annoyed.
There's so much going on in my life that I want to talk about. There would have been a lot to talk about of yours if you were still alive. Why can't you be alive for like 10 fucking minutes?!

Rejection

It's one thing to accept that one of your parents decided after being in your life for several years, that you were not worth further interest. You grow up with this adult that repeatedly tests your trust and fails. You grow past that and they just decide to stop calling. This person that you always wanted in your life that you have never been able to trust made the choice to just stop being your dad. It's been so long since he's seen you that he doesn't recognize you. He doesn't know your children but he knows that you have them.
It's one thing to accept this abandonment and another thing completely to learn that this person kept family from you. Family that asked about you and wondered how were doing. Family that looks at the baby pictures they have of you and want a connection. A family that wants you....A family that is now in the ground. Too late for catching up. No stories. Connection...severed.
I can't describe the anger and grief and disappointment I feel.
It's one thing to think that your father just doesn't care. It's another thing entirely to know that he made the choice not to.

This very moment

I suddenly feel very empty, as if my heart just broke for no discernable reason and yet, I know why.
I don't cry much anymore. It's getting harder and harder to make the tears fall.
I want to disappear.

Every. Damn. Time.

Smash the broken bits until they shatter. Eventually they will become dust and drift away. It's about time it happened. I'm sick of being sad over people that just don't care.
Every time I think it will be ok to say hello, rips me open.
Every time I think about the good times, rips me open.
Every time I try to fight to keep the pieces together, rips me open.
I have a box of blue and black that I haven't touched in over a year. Sometimes I think about torching all those amazing, wonder memories that keep ripping me open.
I.can't even finish this post.