Grounded

Sometimes when you're depressed and just trying to cope, you have off days where it's much harder to deal with than others.
I'm having one of these days.
Every so often I feel like part of me is dying. Not in a painful way but simply ceasing to exist. Than part is painful, the recognition that these holes that appear come and go as they please and it feels that there is little, if anything, I can do to stop it. It spawns other feelings like when you lay down next to your lover and you touch them because you feel like you're spiraling and maybe just having that contact will make you feel grounded, make you stronger....then they roll over. It's nothing you've done and they aren't aware of your feelings but that slipping away while you feel like you're falling is utterly defeating. I silently cry into the pillow.
I'm glad in a way for these feelings because at least I can still can feel. I've been as far down this rabbit hole as you can get without successfully ending your life. I have felt nothing. Been nothing. An empty shell with no gravity.