My grandmother died

My grandma died. It was not expected. She was alone in a foreign place. Im so heartbroken. My mother is cold and says things to me that seem obscene and unbelievably callow for someone that just lost their mother. I feel like I lost my mine when grandma died. She was kind and loving. She helped when she could even if it wasnt easy to do.
I do well most days, only crying a time or two. I felt guilty for being proud about the first day I went without crying at all.
For some reason Jeremy has become more argumentative lately...litteraly at the worst possible time. I want to explode but I just dont have the energy.
Cass, I wish you were here. Im losing everyone thats important to me and those that I thought were, are proving themselves not be. Please talk some sense into me. I'm not ok! When people ask how I am I have to say 'I'm fine' to avoid an upsetting conversation. I dont even know these people. Im broken amongst strangers and my only shoulder is agruing with me about trivial nonsense. What should I do? I cant breathe. I just keep apologizing.
Wake up. Breathe. Keep breathing.
I miss you Cassidy. So very much.

I'm having a hard time

I'm feeling the death. It's little waves that ripple from your mind down through your entirety. On their way through you, they take some of the good things and replace them with the feeling that parts of you have died. You can't quite describe exactly what is missing or why but it causes acute mourning and is very hard to shake. It's one of the many things that are REALLY difficult to elaborate to people who have never experienced prolonged depression.
I work very hard to not get overcome by my depression, I've eliminated most of the thoughts, feelings and avenues that lead to triggers. Sometimes things get in though and you either fall victim or fight through it. I'm fighting but I feel weak. Crying way too easily. Starting to not be able to make decisions and feeling overwhelmed. I kind of want to barf, my body feels heavy and I just want everything to disappear. But there are a lot of reasons to fight, Julia being the most important. No matter how dark things seem she's like an instant beacon of hope. The memory of making someone happy is another. Thinking about an honest genuine smile disturbs the surrounding fog too. Enjoying sushi. Any memory of anything that isn't negative can help....but it's easy to get lost too. Sleep helps because there aren't feelings while you sleep. Sleep as much as you can before the insomnia sets in. I shift between being able fight and listening to the negative self talk that normally isn't present. I guess it's pretty difficult when the trigger is the person you love.