ouch

My heart hurts and breathing is a chore. I wish I felt nothing if only for a short while so the weight of all this loss could be lifted for short time ..if only ..if only

the empty waves

Im so sick of trusting other humans with my fragility. Ive come to understand that im durable, not strong. There is a difference. You can bend something all to shit and if it doesn't break but remains warped, its durable. It will never bend back into its original shape and you may even make out what it was before....but now, its different. You can see the memory of it getting twisted and pulled. You can trace what it use to be in the colors its faded into. You cant use it for what you used it for before it got all fucked up.

Im all bent and fucked up. Im mad about it because the preliminary bend wasnt my choice. I can still be awesome in some ways, sure, whatever but as i age......i mourn the person i could've been if i did have the choice. I hate how I feel. Perpetually sad and lonely for no good goddamned reason. My parents were shit. Ill just keep smiling though. Everybody has problems,fuck you, fuck them fuck me. Fuck everybody. You're all a bunch of cunts.

My grandmother died

My grandma died. It was not expected. She was alone in a foreign place. Im so heartbroken. My mother is cold and says things to me that seem obscene and unbelievably callow for someone that just lost their mother. I feel like I lost my mine when grandma died. She was kind and loving. She helped when she could even if it wasnt easy to do.
I do well most days, only crying a time or two. I felt guilty for being proud about the first day I went without crying at all.
For some reason Jeremy has become more argumentative lately...litteraly at the worst possible time. I want to explode but I just dont have the energy.
Cass, I wish you were here. Im losing everyone thats important to me and those that I thought were, are proving themselves not be. Please talk some sense into me. I'm not ok! When people ask how I am I have to say 'I'm fine' to avoid an upsetting conversation. I dont even know these people. Im broken amongst strangers and my only shoulder is agruing with me about trivial nonsense. What should I do? I cant breathe. I just keep apologizing.
Wake up. Breathe. Keep breathing.
I miss you Cassidy. So very much.

I'm having a hard time

I'm feeling the death. It's little waves that ripple from your mind down through your entirety. On their way through you, they take some of the good things and replace them with the feeling that parts of you have died. You can't quite describe exactly what is missing or why but it causes acute mourning and is very hard to shake. It's one of the many things that are REALLY difficult to elaborate to people who have never experienced prolonged depression.
I work very hard to not get overcome by my depression, I've eliminated most of the thoughts, feelings and avenues that lead to triggers. Sometimes things get in though and you either fall victim or fight through it. I'm fighting but I feel weak. Crying way too easily. Starting to not be able to make decisions and feeling overwhelmed. I kind of want to barf, my body feels heavy and I just want everything to disappear. But there are a lot of reasons to fight, Julia being the most important. No matter how dark things seem she's like an instant beacon of hope. The memory of making someone happy is another. Thinking about an honest genuine smile disturbs the surrounding fog too. Enjoying sushi. Any memory of anything that isn't negative can help....but it's easy to get lost too. Sleep helps because there aren't feelings while you sleep. Sleep as much as you can before the insomnia sets in. I shift between being able fight and listening to the negative self talk that normally isn't present. I guess it's pretty difficult when the trigger is the person you love.

There you are...

There's something remarkable about a memory. The one that has all the markers, scent, sound, flavor, feeling.....
.....I was watching something that had been slowly dredging the murky undisturbed shadows of my longing.
It smelled sweet, sounded muffled, tasted bitter and felt as if I was drowning in a sea of my own despair, shifting into a hollow shell and releasing all my good things. The rejection and the emptiness you befriend while everyone and everything pushes you on......but all you want to do is sit quietly, or lay still in silence until the feelings pass or destroy you. Stop curing me. Let me bask in my ignorant breaking. Let me fucking struggle here in my own time. Leave me the fuck alone.....I don't want my feelings anymore.
There are many reasons why I avoid certain things in my life. A majority of them will have me in ruin. Ain't no body got time for that!

I should write a book

If, if, if......if only we had controls like in Forza where we could rewind our lives just a smidge. Not enough to make a significant change but maybe just enough to save ourselves from doing or saying things that embarrass us every goddamned time we think about it.
I have no regrets but sometimes when you put things out there, well fuck, they're out there like an escaping balloon! Get a BB gun or let it go. Watch it disappear and hope that when it comes down, it won't kill a see turtle. I like turtles.

One of "those" days

Depression sometimes comes in waves. I'm currently getting hit by the kind of wave where it always seems cold enough to be bothersome everywhere I go and no matter what I wear. Everyone speaks just loudly enough for it to be overwhelming, no matter the topic or who the company. Every positive step forward has a push back and every push back is a blow. All I can think to remedy it is to curl up into bed, lock the door and turn off the light till it washes over, however, having a 4 year old, a job, a significant other and their mother (who is a fantastic human btw) makes for constant interruptions. Waking up every 2 hours because of nose issues or blanket tangle problems has made sleep similar to treading swells: dark, exhausting and relentless.
This too shall pass, yeah? Hopefully before I drown.