She feels....

Its not getting easier. It feels like each minute is mile that keeps lengthening the expanse that was already present before all of this......it feels like darkness is closing in and there is no light I can see in which to find refuge....is she feeling what im feeling? Is she scared like me? Am I the darkness to my little girl? Scared is an accurate description for me at this point.

Can't stop torturing myself.

Miserable

Why am I so worthless to the men I love?
Why am I so unimportant?
I want things to work but they never do......I must be a real piece of shit.
Why can't I get back the love I give? Its hurts so bad I feel like I cant breathe. I want to feel loved and respected........wanted. why don't you need me jeremy?

More futility practice.

Tonight is one of those nights in which I feel the overwhelming desire to be rescued while simultaneously feeling a complete collapse of hope that it will happen.
So here I sit. Pregnant @ 10:40pm pm in a parking lot a few blocks away from my house, just returning from a short trip from the gas station to get chocolate. Its pathetic really.
All the 'strength' that I talk into other peoples lives, all that good advice they use and succeed with......im the weak one. I don't take my own advice but I sure as hell make my own excuses.
Its not a person or a place that I need rescue......its a self.