An over abundance of love is dangerous. As dangerous as having no love at all.......too much love can destroy a person completely; especially when its unrequited.
Sunday morning. Im alone in the dark of my living room. My thoughts are going dark places. I consider for a moment to turn on the lights but these thoughts are heavy and keep me planted....as if having bright, happy lights on to mock me would somehow better the situation.
I guess jeremy was 'venting' to a friend via text and accidentally sent me one of the messages. It reads: Sarah wants help with the bills for a place I don't live in, if she weren't carrying my child I'd tell her to go fuck herself.
It felt like he had stabbed him in the chest.
I did recently kick him out. Superficially its because he's not making enough money, which means that i'm paying for everything. Did I mention that he took an entire year off work to fix his physical and mental health while I paid out every dime I had for us during that time? True, I told him to take 4 to 6 months off to do those things as I want him to be healthy, I was more than willing to work for his good....and I did.
After 8 months and no progress on his part, I told him to get a job. He made excuses for every option I gave him. He lied to me about money he was spending. Buying videos games, xbox points, liquor, weed and cigarettes. He had long before stopped sleeping in bed with me. He became a part of the couch. I had it.
Its like pouring water into a bucket with a hole. Here I was giving him everything LITERALLY, patience, kindness, love, money, cooking his dinner and playing happy hostess to his friends while he reciprocated nothing.
I was so angry I started drinking more to cope. I would come home and argue with him. I tried everything at that point. Maybe if I got to his level I would understand. I didn't and it didn't work of course, I knew it wouldn't. I failed again.
I decided to leave. In the process of moving out I discovered that one of my last ditch efforts to connect with him resulted in a child. (Ps- my endocrinologist failed to mention that cabergoline would cause me to ovulate like a normal woman. I thought I was barren and couldn't have kids.)
So I say hey jeremy, we're going to have a baby, let's try to work this out at my new place seeing as how my would-be roommate had to move back home for a family emergency.
I even helped him get his job back at papa johns.
A month or two tick by and im seeing myself paying for mostly everything again. He's not getting many hours. He claims that he's been trying to find other employment then says to me one day 'i need $94.00 for the electric bill.'
I flew into an absolute rage.
I paid $550.00 a month plus utilities all the while he was buying stuff on the side and lying to me about it FOR A WHOLE YEAR.
If I were an uber-cunt I'd have moved out saying you owe me around $3,300 in back rent plus half of all the utilities. I didn't.
I felt cheated.
That same night, he asked if his friend Todd could stay over because his trailer was flooded. I said sure, as long as he doesn't bring any liquor. He agrees and later shows up with Todd. I noticed after yelling at him for asking for money that they are both slurring. I discovered that they were drinking anyway and trying to hide it from me. That disrespect was the last straw. I packed a box with his essential things and put it ob the porch the next day.
I wont have pillheads or drunk idiots around my child even if she is still in utero. I wanted to start building good habits now before she is born but that takes more than just my effort if he was going to stay here. What I should've done for myself long ago, i ended up doing for her. I hope she understands one day that the reason daddy doesn't live with us.
I feel incredibly hopeless and lost. I should be on leave but I can't afford to stop working. I can't work as much as I was so im having a hard time paying for things like bills and rent. At least I get WIC, my grandmother and Jessica keep my pantry stocked otherwise I'd have to be on welfare or living in the ghetto.
That's what's on my mind today. My life is falling apart and I keep asking myself what i've done to cause it. I want to teach my baby girl not to make the same mistakes.
