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Today is one of those days that i feel like im drowning. I want to say that i dont know why but i'd be lying. Truth is, i just dont want to think about whats really bothering me.

I close my eyes and begin to drift.

When i am finally still I open my eyes to a structure infinite in all directions.
My pulse quickens.
The rumbling starts. An all encompassing, slow build meant to ward off even the most brave warriors.
Bits if brick and mortar crumble as i approach. The structure heaves a heavy breath that causes the walls to shake loose their secrets. Hidden hurts, smiles from long ago, little empty feelings, big full ones all falling like rain from the infinite tops.
The pressure builds and the weight of the unseen threatens to collapse in on me.
Fear engulfs me....i back away.....paste on my fake smile......wake.....hold back the flood for one more day.

Word to your sleeplessness

Insanely overwhelmed by fear....again.
I have to fight this or it will ruin what's left of me. Im so mad at myself for trusting the wrong people that I cant see straight. Its fucked everything.

Faith is confidence or trust in a person or thing.
Trust is a firm reliance on the integrity, ability etc of a person or thing.
Seems silly to believe in a thing just because...shouldn't it also be silly to trust without reason? Fuck the reason, wouldn't it be easier to just say fuck all?
I've never felt this way.
I can't stand who I've become.

Must close eyes...

I can't sleep :(
Julia is no longer in pain and sleeping soundly. I've eaten, exercised (yes, exercised) drawn on a onsie, pet the cat, laid in various positions and played draw something like 10x.
My mind is having problems shutting off. There is so much to do around here...I need another shelf for Julias room and some kind of cabinet or shelf in the bathroom. Also, some form of shelving or storage solution for the kitchen and oh fuck! It occurs to me that I have massive amounts of laundry to do. None of which I can take care of immediately.
All this with the addition of fighting myself for control over my worries and fears.....run down? That a good term to use? Yeah.

I feel run down. May as well let the lions eat me.

Creeping in again

All the doubts from which I attempt to run have pinned me down and are screaming in my face. Strange how I can wake up smiling beside you and end up by Julias crib, on the floor, in tears while the both of you sleep.
I feel like i've been sincerely ruined or rather, have allowed myself to be.
I hope im not so lost i'll lose you....it's like im a giant holding a butterfly, terrified that i'll destroy our beautiful, delicate wonderful.
Please don't be disturbed by my moodiness. I try hard to not let it effect us....to effect you.
Forgive my inability to say this directly to you Jeremiah. Your kindness can be overwhelming :)
I love you...

The bleh

While cleaning and organizing my daughters room, I came across a small photo album. Upon inspection a card containing an obituary and a photo of Cassidy fell out.
For those that don't know, Cassidy was my best childhood friend. From 3rd grade til January 21st of 2006.
On the front if the card is an ape with googley eyes, scratching its head, next to a bubble that says "you know what I think?" On the inside it says "I think youre nuts!....but i like you that way!" She signed it your friend with friend scribbled out and best friend Cassidy beside it with 3 lines under best....it was the first time she referred to me as her bestfriend.
I miss her terribly. She knew me best and never spared me when it came to advice. I'd really like to talk to her right now.

Because of her death, I grieve intensely for those I have not lost. It keeps me close to them. It keeps me kind.