Today

Hurts to walk. Feet covered in painful rash. Hurts to use hot water as it exacerbates the pain in hands from the same rash. Throat feels better though! I can swallow more easily but now my teeth are sensitive?? C'mon! Secondary infection should be clearing up, antibiotics are good for that. That one is impetigo of the scalp. Nasty stuff. Dr says its caused by an allergic reaction to the discount shampoo i just bought. Makes sense.
While the coxsakievirus distracted my immune system, my skin was busy saying hello to every irritation possible. I want to say im miserable but i feel like its gotten as bad as its going to get and is getting better so i cant be miserable...just uncomfortable.
These pictures dont do it justice :(

Btw if you're reading this and are suffering from hand, foot & mouth. Soaking you feet for a short time im lukewarm water provides minor relief. Soft socks and plush house shoes provide minor relief when walking. I have found that relaxing your toes and rubbing your feet gently together provides the most relief but you cant exactly walk and rub your feet together.
Same goes for hands. Use them both as sparingly as possible.
Cold drinks for the throat. Avoid caffine if possible.

Miserable

Julia got a coxsakie virus that causes hand/foot/mouth disease :( shes a little whiny but other than that shes active and smiley...unlike myself. I got it from her. My feet feel fucking awful. How is she smiling?

Feelers in the ether

I still read tarot.
Lately (thanks Seraphiel) my readings are clearer and more accurate. I need more fearless folk to volunteer for them that i may hone my skills further.
All i need is your permission and an email address :)

P.s. No, i will not sell your email to anyone

A lovely bunch of cocoa nuts

So i feel happy, for once. First time in a long time...maybe one day i'll feel it without being afraid it will attack me.
In some ways happy is ok. I understand that there are ups and downs. You go into happy, you come out of happy then back in, blah blah blah blah. I wouldnt compare my happy to a roller coaster - those are predictable. Yes, you are travelling at speed towards the twists and turns but you can see them coming and the light at the end of the tunnel is the station. You decide it was worth the fear and hop back in line. You masochist.
I on the other hand must've taken a shit in Mohamed, buddah, jesus and satans showers because my happy is like a broken sling shot. A fun device for wreaking havoc and (quite frankly) causing destruction. See? Sometimes it works properly and im like 'yay. This is neat'. Nevermind that i've inadvertently nailed an elderly man in the noggin.
However, a majority of the time it sends pebbles of wtf flying in all directions or is hurling itself back into my face. So i tend to take my happy with a grain of salt and follow my bliss with a first aid kit.
Happy? Yeah, i've done that. Seek it out? Barely! Im content with muddle. Zen with confuse. Cautiously optimistic.
I could always run from happy but happy is annoying in that it finds you, makes you smile then punches you in the cunt.

I forget myself

Locked on an idea. Buried deep in what ifs. Begging myself to stop hearing the siren songs...Im beguiled. Im enthralled. Im trapped and making myself feel worse.....im my own personal train wreck....im making my issues worse because i cant shut off my goddamned brain....filled with a temporary self loathing, i come here to bitch like a coward.....thats a little angry....a little uneasy....a little unable to explain herself properly, FUCK! I am one frustrated lady.
Sick and tired of feeling like im always in some form of danger.

Great. The inevitable. How I love/hate thee.

Viscera tangled in coils of turmoil that threaten to ruin yet another day. If stupidity is bliss....i must be very smart. Bliss eludes me. Bliss taunts and teases me like the whore from highschool that wants your attention and friendship but doesn't want you. Bliss escapes me when i catch it....like a hagfish...look them up, disgusting creatures. Desirable only for their ability to become lovely wallets in expensive shops.
I feel sick. Theres a fist in my feelings that threatens to mash through in a fury of tears and protest. It will say 'why, why, why' and flop about like a chump, looking weakly at all the healthy feelings as if to say 'help' in the tongue of a spoiled brat seeking comfort for damage that hasn't been done.
If a human could function without a heart, I'd have clawed mine out already.