LISTIA!

www.listia.com more free stuff on Listia Im trying this because i have lots of little things to post. Odd little things. Things than need care that i haven't the time for. I hope someone wants them..

Cass

I miss you today. Just like i do everyday but today it's in the forefront.
I've stopped myself from giving me your ghostly advice. What you'd have said then and what you'd say now, if you were still alive, might be different.
This morning i really want to talk to you so i go to this table in my head. Its dark and there is a light shining down on it. There are 2 chairs. One on which i am sitting and the other is for you. We are across from each other and i imagine you there, first as a youth when we were carefree then, you morph into a slightly older version. The one from middle school when cares became more apparent. Then back and forth between the various adult versions of yourself i came to know.
I wish you'd just find a form and stick with it.
I scoot my chair around the table beside you, maybe being near you will help stabilize you but you just keep flickering like an old film. Never saying a word. Just smiling and changing, never speaking.
I watch. I want to rest my head on your shoulder but your ghost cant let me. You watch me. You smile and you flicker.
I want to talk to you...im afraid one day i'll forget the sound of your voice. Im afraid that one day, i'll come here and you wont flicker because i've forgotten your face.
I miss you today. More today than usual and there isnt a thing i can do about it.

Fucking issues.

So i want to say that im seeing the difference between paranoia and good old fashioned distrust but more often than not the massive blurry line between them is all thats visible.
I find myself wondering this afternoon, am i capable of a healthy relationship? I honestly do not know the answer. I think im fucked :(
I pretend to be ok. I study my surroundings. I watch events unfold. I bite my tongue so hard sometimes it bleeds (figuratively). I get sick on the scenarios that my troubles conjure....all i can do is be silent.
Depending on who i speak with, it either feeds the anxiety or it just sounds crazy. I could talk to someone else with similar issues but we would only end up validating our negative feelings. Talking to someone that has overcome trust issues is like finding jesus. (The real, physical jesus not a metaphorical one) not that it would amazing but that it would be impossible.

P.S.
Just because you understand a thing does not make it easily fixable. I understand where my issues come from and what compounds them. I cant open my eyes one morning and decide to be fixed. Instead i wake and say, i will not let this ruin my day. Move through it and wake for the next. Lather, rinse, repeat.