Sometimes

All of the light within you slips away. You grasp weakly, it escapes, you fail, you empty your will. All of the wonder thay your life has been, the good - the bad - the empty,  begins to slowly disintegrate. It also slips gently from your outstretched fingers. You look at your hands like they are strangers "is this, me?" for a moment when the omnipresent hole at the core of your being begins to grow. It pulls with disturbing force. So much that your attention is focused and for a brief moment you almost care enough to struggle, you cry but nothing comes. The reconsideration passes having already been ripped away as you watch it fizzle and fade. The blackness is all encompassing. Minuscule vestiges of hope pepper the last frantic hopelessness of whats left of you and the dark quantum singularity of your soul has won.
Whew! Thank fuck thats over! Lol

Thursday @ practice

I finally immersed myself into something that made me feel joyous!
Then there was a back and forth.
I was told that what I said was snide and it shocked me. I couldn't understand why i was being misinterpreted. I asked for clarification because I honestly did not understand. I began to cry after I apologized to the party's involved and was left to cry, confused and at a loss. Im easily offended when others refer to me as dishonest or malicious. I pride myself on my capacity to be loveing and understanding.
I had to look up 'snide' when i got home because i thought maybe i remembered the definition wrong.
Snide: Main Entry: snide Pronunciation: \ˈsnīd\Function: adjective Etymology: origin unknown Date: circa 1859 1 a : FALSE, COUNTERFEIT b : practicing deception : DISHONEST <a snide merchant> 2 : unworthy of esteem : LOW <a snide trick> 3 : slyly disparaging : INSINUATING <snide remarks> — snide·ly adverb — snide·ness noun
Thats what i remembered the definition as and the realization that someone thinks of me in these terms sincerely breaks my heart. Im so very hurt and sad that the love for my team and all the hard work and effort i've put in is being seen as anything less.
I was excited and more happy than i've been in a long time to be doing something beneficial and to have it end on such a sour note has floored me.
I have very direct, business like approach to things and i feel that 'candy coating' things is disrespectful as it insinuates that the person i am speaking with is incapable of handling direct communication.
I have tried in the past to take a softer approach and was met with resistance. I try a direct approach and am met with resistance. Its become very frustrating (and im sure it shows) and the long and short of it is that no matter how i approach issues, the fact that im addressing an issue that no one else wants to deal with or does nothing about will always be met with resistance. Im very much done helping where my help is unwanted.

Super-what?

Im getting closer and closer to edge. Meltdown immanent. Working 40+ hours a week on a constant sleep debt with no surrender in sight.
I dont wave issues like flags for all to see, we all have our own things and mine are no more important than anyone elses and yet most are waving flags. Wearing their problems proudly in a morbid display of 'whos worse off' like it will earn them some badge of awesome when instead it obliterates their humility, magnifies their incompetence and does nothing to help them. It generally makes them worse off.
I cant help you if you cant help yourselves.
I cant be a camel for you while you drown in your self loathing.
I cant be your hero.
Im busy trying to be my own.