That old feeling

Been a while but im here again. Depressed. At least this time its not the debilitating kind. Its the kind that no matter how much sleep i get or how much food i eat, i feel like i've been rolled by a succubus. She took eveything. My energy, my will, my peace, my dry face. My protective emotional coating is in tatters about my hope which fades with each passing day.
Fake it till you make it. Keep smiling. Keep acting out the perfect happy story in your head. Make it real even though you know that its just a lie you tell yourself to keep your head above water.
Sometimes i want the water to swallow me. Surrender. End the struggle. Let go of all the beautiful things that now seem like a fevered dream. Has it all been an illusion? It certainly feels like one. Like wrestling with air and losing.

Heat on my brown eye

Don't coddle me.
Don't tell me im amazing when im subpar.
Don't praise me for being the least shitty and for fucks sake DO NOT BLOW SMOKE UP MY ASS!

I'm an adult. I take criticism well because I understand that it's not personal. In the rare instance it is personal I give no fucks because I dictate how I feel, not you. Im too self aware for that bullshit and grew out of "needing approval" years ago. Does it help? Sure it feels good but I can function without it because I believe in myself without your help.

I cannot and will not get better if you celebrate my short comings. I will only continue to come up short.
I cannot and will not grow if you ignore areas that i can improve on because you're worried about my ego. Its MY ego, let ME deal with it!
If you see me doing something wrong repeatedly its because I likely don't know that I'm doing it wrong and that's not ok! I can't get better without your help in that respect.I need you to point out what i suck at because if you don't, you're holding me back.

Waiting

Lost is a state of being.
Its an instance of clarity taking a temporary hiatus.
A blank, empty space for reason to hide from the occasional abuse of its user.
The birthplace of found.

Why when we are 'lost' do we comfort ourselves with past 'found'? Does that not defeat the purpose of moving forward?

Move through the darkness, find the light, find the dark to hide in, find the light - lather, rinse, repeat.

Its strange how i can prefer to be lost and not be able to 'find' it, but when lost, always find 'found'. Why does it always have to be about getting 'there'? Being where one 'needs' to be....what is need? Maybe some other time. Im sort of exhausted. Whatever.