A box of broken things

I'm done with this day, this week, this month and this year.
I am riddled with depression and anxiety from all angles and I am just fucking done with it.
I never get time alone, ever. I'm always at the mercy of some other human. I feel chained by choice and am, not surprisingly, sad about it.
All of the death and the loss it has caused topped off with false accusations and the decision to walk away from my team. I may as well have been crumbled up like paper and tossed aside. A missed jump shot in some random strangers office waste basketball ball game.
There is a subtle, ever present, panic just inside my ribs, right beside that spot that no matter how hard I try, doesn't warm. Always discomfort. Always alert. Sometimes furious but generally helpless and desperate. No one will give me answers. No one understands. No one cares. All the news is old, why read it again, right? I'm an archive of bitter, confused, hurt.

Jewel City Roller Girls

I thought I was done having a broken heart. Unfortunately the pain can still slip through the cracks. Trickles of bitter sweet litter my cheeks though I try to keep them dry.
I should be able to let you go as easily as you did me.
I should be able to see that you don't care like you say you did. You didn't fight with me or you believed the lie. Either way, it's been devastating to me and yet...I miss you all. It's so unfair to have this love slowly empty out of me. It still slips through the cracks you know.
I guess it will take a while, it's been a long year.

So little time...

I have been entirely too optimistic. In my defense, I was led to believe that it was ok to love and trust people that say that they love and trust you. Sadly, there are things like fair weather friends, two faces, liars, users, etc....these are the ones that advocate for your trust the most. Who the fuck knows why people are shitty, hollow, selfish or unkind, I finally don't care anymore.
I didn't lose something that I loved very much, I walked away from it. I didn't feel like I had a choice.
I always thought that when someone told you that they had your back, that they would stand and fight with you. Not stand behind you and walk away while you struggle to make sense of things. Guess I have a messed up view of friends.
I've tried to reach out, a few have connected. I use to wonder if the rest ever cared like they said they did...I don't anymore. I don't mull over unanswerable questions anymore. I don't hate anymore. I don't care anymore. What once saved my soul also tried to destroy it.
I don't recommend trusting people who say that they care when their actions speak otherwise.
I don't recommend helping people that will take your hand then betray you.
It's much easier to walk away than it is to fight when you're walking away from people who make it clear that they only want you for what you can do and not who you are. Sometimes you're in too deep to see it, by then it won't matter.

It begins....

I post my feelings here because I have nothing to hide. I post here so that those that read it are all getting the same information. I post here because I am unafraid.
I am willing to forgive those that wrong me when they are able to admit that they have done so. If they are unwilling, so am I. I can let go as time passes without harboring bad feelings but I will always remember.
Some say life is too short for hate but even hate has its place. Without knowing hate, we cannot know peace. I have known hate and I have known peace.
At some point soon I will post correspondence and the full story of what happened to me in regards to my choice to end my derby career. This is my first step to healing the very deep wound inflicted on me by someone i cared for and trusted.

Finding what you're looking for

Something I learned that I wish I could unlearn if only it weren't true is: If you look for it, you'll find it. This is especially shitty if you have trust issues.
Like when you get the feeling that something just isn't right. You can't tell if it's your issues or if it's a right feeling. Confirming whether or not you are correct is the next logical step. However, if you look for it, you'll find it whether is good or bad and no amount of brownies and ice cream will change what you know or how you feel.

The first one

Back in 2012 when we held our first elections this was my speech for the office of president. (First of two nominations for president and one as vice pres. during my time with JCRG)

Wow. Thanks-all of you! I'll cut to the quick folks, what we are doing here is creating the foundation on which, not only us, but our future derby sisters will build their legacies.

When you hear stories of how big things began - WE are that begining! 

Accepting the nomination for president of our league is not something I take lightly. It is my sincere desire to ensure our success in establishing roller derby as a mainstay in Huntington West Virginia. When travellers ask "what is Huntington?" People will respond "Marshall University and Jewel City Roller Derby!" 

Our community will be proud to acknowledge us and the good deeds of our outreach, charities and fundraising.

If elected, I will clearly communicate to our teak, our progress and execute our decisions with the precision and professionalism that I not only expect from myself but that you can rely on and deserve. I will oversee the operations of our league with the honesty, dignity, respect and humility that it is required from being chosen to serve such an amazing and talented group of athletes! 

Thanks so much!

I have to admit to getting a little teary eyed, happy and angry while copying the speech here. More and more I'm starting see peoples true colors and it's very disappointing.

An airing of grievances.

In the days of Double, before democratic structure, we were constantly told to 'own' frundraising projects because she was incapable of leading. So I did that, I created fundraising groups for skaters to volunteer in and share their ideas. To come together as a team and 'own' our fundraising projects. TOGETHER. TEAM. (Please keep these two words in mind as you read, they are the most important)
After 2 short months, ideas wear pouring into The Craft Committee and Bakers Guild and our Halloween party was rapidly approaching. However, instead of joining the groups and building a plan for EVERYONE, you took it upon yourself to privately email the most veteran skaters to have them head up specific aspects of the party, alienating others skaters and creating a bit of confusion to those already in the groups. It upset me that you didn't use the groups or even try and only after I said 'hey, remember these groups?" did you post, days later, "see these people......if you want to help with the halloween party prep". I msg'd you asking if I had upset you in anyway, (I still have every facebook conversation we've had since October of 2012) and my msg was read that night but never answered. After a week passed of you not even talking to me at practice, I approached you to ask the same question again to which you said no, and that you had a lot going on.
so I didn't take it personally, I thought maybe you just didn't realize that you weren't being a TEAM player. I didn't know you or how you feel about things, who am I to judge? I let it pass and put it out of my mind.
There were a few more things throughout the year that caused me to pause but being the kind natured person I am, I let them pass too. No need to make a big deal of it right? Surely you weren't personally trying to hurt my feelings?
Later there was the voting out of Amanda and demotion of Double, who regrettably left and also Icka, and the creation of a democratic structure.
At a meeting in the basement of Shelby's basement you told me while we were pouring wine, "you should be president berley" I remember it vividly because it was coming from someone that I felt like I had been fighting for their respect for a very long time. It meant a lot to me.
How surprised was I when you ran against me, and won.
It hurt a lot, but I was happy for you because it was for the TEAM. I even helped you whenever you came to me for help in the beginning, you later stopped talking to me pretty much altogether for months

Can you imagine being passed up for a promotion by someone that told you that you should have and not only that but then have them ask for your help at their new position? Take a moment to understand this. Another nurse that you've been trying to get the respect of tells you you should have the job, gets the job they encouraged you to do. Then asks you for help on how to do it. How would that make you feel? Would you be able to put yourself aside to help them?

I helped as many skaters as I could. If they were asking questions, I was researching and getting them answers because it was all for the TEAM.

Main Entry: un·der·mine
Pronunciation: \ˌən-dər-ˈmīn\
Function: transitive verb
Date: 14th century
1 : to excavate the earth beneath : form a mine under : sap 2 : to wash away supporting material from under 3 : to subvert or weaken insidiously or secretly <trying to undermine his political rivals> 4 : to weaken or ruin by degrees

I never at any point tried to subvert or weaken your position as president, insidiously or secretly. Did I bitch about how I felt? Sure, to anyone that would listen. Did I stop helping you when you asked? No. I put my personal feelings aside and gave you whatever support you wanted or asked from me. I have to say it came as quite a surprise to hear that you wouldnt be returning to the TEAM if I did because you felt like I undermined your presidency! Here's how it works, first I DO something, then you accuse me of it.

I've tried so very hard to be friends with you. I like your firey personality and your sense of humor. You're a talented skater and hella fun at parties but I can't keep lying to myself about how you feel because I just don't know and if past behaviour predicts future performance, it looks like I'll keep getting hurt by you. I still honestly believe that you never did anything to purposefully hurt me and I would hope I'm right but as someone that respects you, you should know how you've made me feel. I did not write this to hurt you. I haven't called you names or even used your name here to keep your anonymity to those outside the track.
It is what it is. I hope you return to the track, those girls really love you.

Helpful

Is it so unusual for people to be kind that when they display it we must tear it apart? Im at a complete loss. Its as if i've forgotten how to use my arms and legs, nothing makes sense. Im trying to stay strong and be confident but i truly feel fun down. Part of me says to fight because its the right thing to do, the other part says give up, quit helping, shelve your kindness since its not worked out for you yet.
I genuinely feel like there is no one that understands. Im pleading for comfort and though i get hugs and kind words, they just feel empty to me.
Am i saying something wrong? Am i acting in a way that makes me worthy of hatred? I just dont understand why this is happening.
Through all this mayhem all i want to do is talk to the one person that could always set me straight and she's been dead for 8 years. Having all these bad feeling brings back other bad feelings. All of the lost lives, all the failed relationships, all the unwanted kindness. I really wish i worked today. At work everyone is glad to see me. When im upset they try to make me smile. They give a damn about Sarah not just because im a manager. Im so incredibly tired of trying to remain strong. At least when i am weak i have a few that are strong for me. That's enough to keep trying.

My post that was removed from the JCRG msg board

Its with a heavy heart that i inform you all (whom i love dearly) i will not be skating with JCRG this season.
I need time for my injuries to heal, first my knee (seeing and ortho next month) and also the left ankle that i injured last Tuesday during practice.
More importantly i'm taking a break because my character has been called into question in a manner that cannot be taken lightly. This accusation, brought to my attention a month after the fact has deeply effected me and made me question my involvement with JCRG. If this accusation is to be true, regarding my actions at last months xmas party, it shocks me that not one if my teammates made me aware of the situation then or any time since. However if this accusation is not true i will say that its extremely hurtful and confusing. There may be a third option that perhaps this is some kind of misunderstanding, regardless, its because of the accusation that im taking time to reevaluate whether or not i want to remain a part of JCRG.