Today

Im going to function properly today, even if I want to give up or scream. Im going to shower and finish the last 2 rooms in this house. Then im going to kmart to put ambiguous baby things on lay-a-way. I don't want to get out of bed...I don't want to eat...I don't want to see someone I know and pretend that everything is ok just long enough to get through the conversation....then retreat back into my head and wonder why I feel like I have to spare poeple my sadness. Does that make me a liar?

Forever alone moments

- when you walk outside and there's no traffic, no body walking around only the sound of street lights changing.
- when you get to work and everything is up and running but there's no coworkers around.

..you hold your breath, you panic for a moment but then a car or a person telling you the meeting is down a floor. Whew!

- im laying in bed, caressing my swollen abdomen thinkng about the man next to me. I realize that he doesn't know how to care for himself. He doesn't know how to be in a proper relationship......I think about the baby.....he knows what kind of father he doesn't want to be but will that alone make him a good father? I think of all the times he's lied to me. I think of all the seeds of doubt he's planted. 4 years of this and when I cry he still asks 'whats wrong?' I wish I had the wherewithall to ask him to leave. I dont do well with someone that only cares when its convenient, but who will care for an unwed mother like me?

We're killing it softly

I feel like im being crushed beneath the weight of his inability to understand how his actions are affecting this baby.
The stress is bad. Tightness in the chest, headaches, loss of appetite, increased depression. Im afraid its all hurting the baby and I can't explain enough to him how his selfishness is the primary cause.
I feel like its killing the baby and me. This is my life. Moving from one stress to another with little to no peace. I used to have derby - definitely worth waking up and fighting through a week of anger, sadness and confusion. I don't have that anymore. Now I have to focus on the baby but I can't stay happy long enough to keep my appetite up.

Im not fond of living anymore.

Blog #something

Im trying to sort things out in my head but it keeps getting muddled.
If someone doesn't care about you but then cares about you when you're pregnant, how will things pan out once the baby is born?
No wedding in sight. Only a truce at best to keep the fighting off. Am I doomed to end up in a court trying to prove my love to stranger that holds my fate at gavels end?
I feel no peace. I feel fear and frustration. I feel like im not even real anymore...
Who is this person that's scared to cry too loud? I heard she was strong once. I heard she was force to be reckoned with. That pile of stupid flesh can't possibly be her.
Can you believe she's pregnant?! How will she care for a child in that state? What a waste.