Thanks for the nothing. I was almost out.

I just want to feel happy and not be pretending. Even if its for a moment.
Apparently you don't understand that. You don't understand how long I stayed unhappy in our relationship. How long I stayed unhappy yet somehow hopeful that I could help you.
Now that its over, you want to change and make things better. Great. Too little, too late Jeremy.
Your efforts now are like a slap in the face. You say you want to be friends and work on getting along, its important for our daughter that we get along, but making snarky comments when you visit and calling me up to argue afterwards is reversing any progress you've made.
You continue to make me feel stupid for believing things could get better. Thanks.

I feel bad because im happy??

Someone other than you made me smile Jeremy. Being that I still love you regardless of our separation,  yeah, it makes me feel bad because its not you.
I've made it pretty clear through the years that I wanted it to be you but I guess it was just too much to ask.
Now you've found another mole hill to make a mountain of anger from. I tried to show you another way and your pride wouldn't let you see it.
Will you teach your daughter to hate as you do? To be prideful and angry as you are?
You're going to run around and lie about me some more to make you feel better because if they hate me and aren't hating you there's balance in Jeremy's world.
You're too prideful to accept that you let us fall apart. Instead of trying to fix anything you just want to pretend nothing ever happened and you never changed a thing. The only time you put forth any real effort is when I got fed up and kicked you out like damage control after the fact would do any good.
Well you won. At least a little bit. I feel a bitterness growing.....I have massive trust issues now......im afraid to care about others so every relationship I have in the future will fail. Is that good enough for you? That make you feel good? Does it make up for how everyone else in your life hurt you? You destroy thethat one that didn't.
I've never hurt quite this bad.
You must be so proud.
Sick thing is....I still love you..

Swimming in misery

Its my understanding that if you look for something, you'll find it.
You look for good in someone - there is it.
You look for bad - Tah Dah!
So why bother? Looking for the unrealistic. Searching for truth when even truth is open for debate. A real person when if you close your eyes they disappear. Poof!
So what now? Settle for the least terrible? Be happy with whatever effort is exerted? Believe any 'truth' as a matter of convenience then pick up later to refute for arguments sake??
I am so very tired of these games. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations. I should want less from this one life i've been given? Enjoy being a rat in the rat race, you could be a slug! Pah!
I know what I want and need....I just have to adjust my way of thinking to accept that perhaps I wont ever get either from anyone other than me...
So very tired.....wish I had never learned to swim.

12/02/2011

My heart feels weak today. Its definitely my fault. I keep running scenarios in my head of painful future events that may or may not happen. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst? Not this girl. Pessimism all the way.
The future doesn't scare me....the people in it do. The ones I care about mostly. It amazing to me that the people we care for the most usually cause us the most pain. Be it good old fashioned fighting and miscommunication or death. Somewhere along the line, someone you love will cause you pain. It could be accidental or on purpose. Doesn't really matter, its going to happen.
I think about these things and try to react appropriately not knowing exactly how that might be.
Myeh. I think about these things like the now is any less complicated.