Letting them in

It kills me that I still have faith in humanity. I sincerely wish I could kill it. Not having it would keep me out of relationships which are the number one cause of destruction to my psyche.
How is it that I can look fondly on a person knowing, full well, what they are capable of and not only that but what they are likely to execute?
What is this faith without trust besides just another exercise in futility?
The seeds of doubt have no trouble growing and when its time, i harvest heaps of loathing and insecurity. Many bushels of emotional exhaustion and baskets of fear and suspicion.
When you've grown something for so long. Its difficult to grow something new. One first must till the soil mixing and turning, toiling, trying and failing and trying again. Even after repeated attempts, sometimes, what you want to grow just wont.

Bitter Princess

I recently discovered that my first and middle name combined, means bitter princess.
Aren't I fortunate? Its explains a lot actually.
* I put all of myself into my relationships because I don't believe in half assing things and none of them have worked out. Bitterness
* Dad was in and out of our lives til I was 16 or so, now he doesn't recognize us. (My sister and I) Bitterness
* The one person I was closest to growing up, moved to Florida and overdosed 6 years ago. BITTERNESS.
* Im pregnant and the baby's father has been unable to care for himself, let alone us for quite sometime. Subsequently, we are not together as I can't take care of all 3 of us. Bitter, bitter, bitter.
There is more but those are the highlights.
I understand that we all have ups and downs but im seeing how the good has been outweighed.
I will continue to try to find happiness. I will mourn its passing with a smile and quiet tears.
That is the station of a bitter princess. To keep her head up despite the pain. To go on smiling and caring for the sake of those in her charge.
To do what is best for everyone and not just herself.

Frozen

Im at a loss for words.
I can't describe how I feel.
That never happens.
Its not like it matters.
I held back tears for hours today.
It was one of the hardest things i've done in a while.
Swallowing all my emotions....it pains me but, its the right thing....for everyone....even for me? Maybe I can believe that one day.
I just want to scream.

Intensive Care Unit

Tonight I took Jeremy to the emergency room. After some tests they decided to take him to ICU for an overnight.
One of the nurses working on his care happens to be a diabetic like Jeremy and says to him "you need to get it together or you're going die" he closed his eyes and went back to sleep.
He heard this the last time he was hospitalized. He has been told this by his doctor. He has been told this by his friends and family.
I don't know why I hope but I wish his daughter could tell him and maybe that would be the kicker.
Jeremy and I haven't been together for a while now but I still want him to know his little girl and for her to know her daddy.
At this point who knows what will happen.
I worry for Julia.
Too bad there isn't an ICU for the mind.