So i want to say that im seeing the difference between paranoia and good old fashioned distrust but more often than not the massive blurry line between them is all thats visible.
I find myself wondering this afternoon, am i capable of a healthy relationship? I honestly do not know the answer. I think im fucked :(
I pretend to be ok. I study my surroundings. I watch events unfold. I bite my tongue so hard sometimes it bleeds (figuratively). I get sick on the scenarios that my troubles conjure....all i can do is be silent.
Depending on who i speak with, it either feeds the anxiety or it just sounds crazy. I could talk to someone else with similar issues but we would only end up validating our negative feelings. Talking to someone that has overcome trust issues is like finding jesus. (The real, physical jesus not a metaphorical one) not that it would amazing but that it would be impossible.
P.S.
Just because you understand a thing does not make it easily fixable. I understand where my issues come from and what compounds them. I cant open my eyes one morning and decide to be fixed. Instead i wake and say, i will not let this ruin my day. Move through it and wake for the next. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Hi. This is Sarah. I go to these 12 step meetings and the issues you are talking about are some that the 12 steps are supposed to fix. The 12 steps are helping me in every aspect of my life to find peace and serenity in all areas. I don't know why there aren't 12 step programs for every issue, though. Or maybe there are. I think they can be used for any unmanageability in life and the principles are spiritual principles that are found in most religions but they are not religious, just spiritual, which is different. Maybe there is a "trust issues anonymous" out there. Or maybe you could start one. :-) These are the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous (You can just substitute "alcohol" with whatever your problem is, like "trust issues". They're not meant to be worked by yourself, though, but just one other person with the same issue is all that is needed):
ReplyDelete1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
8. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
9. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
10. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of 11. His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I love you!
There is a codependents anonymous group in the area, but I am unclear on whether that is your problem.
ReplyDeleteAnd God can be whatever you want it to be. It doesn't have to be a "Him". Just a power greater than yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you sarah, im going to read over the steps and see if i can apply them myself. Its a comfort to have you out in the world:)
DeleteYou're welcome. It's also a comfort to have you out there in the world. I love you!
ReplyDelete