Sometimes

All of the light within you slips away. You grasp weakly, it escapes, you fail, you empty your will. All of the wonder thay your life has been, the good - the bad - the empty,  begins to slowly disintegrate. It also slips gently from your outstretched fingers. You look at your hands like they are strangers "is this, me?" for a moment when the omnipresent hole at the core of your being begins to grow. It pulls with disturbing force. So much that your attention is focused and for a brief moment you almost care enough to struggle, you cry but nothing comes. The reconsideration passes having already been ripped away as you watch it fizzle and fade. The blackness is all encompassing. Minuscule vestiges of hope pepper the last frantic hopelessness of whats left of you and the dark quantum singularity of your soul has won.
Whew! Thank fuck thats over! Lol

Thursday @ practice

I finally immersed myself into something that made me feel joyous!
Then there was a back and forth.
I was told that what I said was snide and it shocked me. I couldn't understand why i was being misinterpreted. I asked for clarification because I honestly did not understand. I began to cry after I apologized to the party's involved and was left to cry, confused and at a loss. Im easily offended when others refer to me as dishonest or malicious. I pride myself on my capacity to be loveing and understanding.
I had to look up 'snide' when i got home because i thought maybe i remembered the definition wrong.
Snide: Main Entry: snide Pronunciation: \ˈsnīd\Function: adjective Etymology: origin unknown Date: circa 1859 1 a : FALSE, COUNTERFEIT b : practicing deception : DISHONEST <a snide merchant> 2 : unworthy of esteem : LOW <a snide trick> 3 : slyly disparaging : INSINUATING <snide remarks> — snide·ly adverb — snide·ness noun
Thats what i remembered the definition as and the realization that someone thinks of me in these terms sincerely breaks my heart. Im so very hurt and sad that the love for my team and all the hard work and effort i've put in is being seen as anything less.
I was excited and more happy than i've been in a long time to be doing something beneficial and to have it end on such a sour note has floored me.
I have very direct, business like approach to things and i feel that 'candy coating' things is disrespectful as it insinuates that the person i am speaking with is incapable of handling direct communication.
I have tried in the past to take a softer approach and was met with resistance. I try a direct approach and am met with resistance. Its become very frustrating (and im sure it shows) and the long and short of it is that no matter how i approach issues, the fact that im addressing an issue that no one else wants to deal with or does nothing about will always be met with resistance. Im very much done helping where my help is unwanted.

Super-what?

Im getting closer and closer to edge. Meltdown immanent. Working 40+ hours a week on a constant sleep debt with no surrender in sight.
I dont wave issues like flags for all to see, we all have our own things and mine are no more important than anyone elses and yet most are waving flags. Wearing their problems proudly in a morbid display of 'whos worse off' like it will earn them some badge of awesome when instead it obliterates their humility, magnifies their incompetence and does nothing to help them. It generally makes them worse off.
I cant help you if you cant help yourselves.
I cant be a camel for you while you drown in your self loathing.
I cant be your hero.
Im busy trying to be my own.

Strength os sometimes weakness?

Seeking shelter from all the wants of the world that keeping raining down in me. The pressure keeps cracking my bones when i least expect it and when i look at myself i keep finding these pieces of me missing. What can i do? Hunker.down and take the beating? Hope theres enough of me left over to retain some sense of myself to continue?

Thinner

Growing very weary of smiling. I've been unearthing them as if they were rare jewels and wearing them like whore paint. Pulling myself thinner and thinner. Barely able to grasp the thoughts let alone form them into coherent sentences. I give up.

Words escape me

Inspiration comes when im at my weakest. I want to do a hundred things at once and i can clearly see how its possible. Should i do it? Should i indulge in these activities that beg me to run with them? "Flee your conscious - breathe with intent - let go of the confusion that is life - free yourself from logic - obey the whims - dance out the care"
They present convincing argument.

How was my day you ask?

Happy
Elated
Confused
Irritated
Angry
Scared
Thankful
Safe
Happy
Shocked
Betrayed
Hurt
Stupid
Futile
..all in the span of 15hrs, in that order. I really want total control over my feelings so days like this are just like any other.

Worthless cunts

I feel like i cant breathe. The burden of being reliable is that you are relied upon by those that make themselves incapable of functioning properly. Its a choice guys, you choose to be shitty. When you are old enough to make decisions for yourself it becomes your responsibility to be better than you are even if you are or think you're awesome. You're the anchor that everyone bitches about weighing them down. You are the reason us hard working folks cant get a leg up. The powers that be see that they can get away with paying us as much as they do you when we are doing more work and if we do move 'up in the world' we become responsible for your inadequacy! Its then our jobs to make you decent workers when all you want to achieve is the minimum.
Im just bitching. It changes nothing.

That old feeling

Been a while but im here again. Depressed. At least this time its not the debilitating kind. Its the kind that no matter how much sleep i get or how much food i eat, i feel like i've been rolled by a succubus. She took eveything. My energy, my will, my peace, my dry face. My protective emotional coating is in tatters about my hope which fades with each passing day.
Fake it till you make it. Keep smiling. Keep acting out the perfect happy story in your head. Make it real even though you know that its just a lie you tell yourself to keep your head above water.
Sometimes i want the water to swallow me. Surrender. End the struggle. Let go of all the beautiful things that now seem like a fevered dream. Has it all been an illusion? It certainly feels like one. Like wrestling with air and losing.

Heat on my brown eye

Don't coddle me.
Don't tell me im amazing when im subpar.
Don't praise me for being the least shitty and for fucks sake DO NOT BLOW SMOKE UP MY ASS!

I'm an adult. I take criticism well because I understand that it's not personal. In the rare instance it is personal I give no fucks because I dictate how I feel, not you. Im too self aware for that bullshit and grew out of "needing approval" years ago. Does it help? Sure it feels good but I can function without it because I believe in myself without your help.

I cannot and will not get better if you celebrate my short comings. I will only continue to come up short.
I cannot and will not grow if you ignore areas that i can improve on because you're worried about my ego. Its MY ego, let ME deal with it!
If you see me doing something wrong repeatedly its because I likely don't know that I'm doing it wrong and that's not ok! I can't get better without your help in that respect.I need you to point out what i suck at because if you don't, you're holding me back.

Waiting

Lost is a state of being.
Its an instance of clarity taking a temporary hiatus.
A blank, empty space for reason to hide from the occasional abuse of its user.
The birthplace of found.

Why when we are 'lost' do we comfort ourselves with past 'found'? Does that not defeat the purpose of moving forward?

Move through the darkness, find the light, find the dark to hide in, find the light - lather, rinse, repeat.

Its strange how i can prefer to be lost and not be able to 'find' it, but when lost, always find 'found'. Why does it always have to be about getting 'there'? Being where one 'needs' to be....what is need? Maybe some other time. Im sort of exhausted. Whatever.

Derby becomes her

It is said (and i wish i knew by who so i could make-out my gratitude with them) that you don't do roller derby, you become it or rather it becomes you. You are derby. You think about it, you dream about it, you talk about it, you engage in it. If it was fuckable you'd never leave whatever area that you're fucking it in except to take it to the rink to skate the hell out of it...only to repeat process.
I need derby. If i left, i would return to the human i was before. Quietly angry, generally depressed but funtional, unhealthy and dispassionate.
With derby, im healthy, mentally balanced, happy, passionate and a role model for my daughter!
My team needs me. Even being the lowest on the team totem pole (which i am not) my team functions better with me than without me. They are proud of me and i am proud of them. We work, grow and learn together...we're a family. We have our moments but understand how and why things happen and work as a unit to correct them. We support and encourage each other in ways that we may not receive off track. Which is more important than some of us realize. We are derby....and all the things that come with that statement. Im so honored to be a part of it.

Cant stop dreaming

My mind is busy. Its harassing itself with thoughts that amount to nothing. It's running wild through its own streets shouting for someone, anyone to listen to its obsessive, empty ramblings.
"Friction destroys the bond!!"

Del facto

Always torn between what i know and how i feel. Decisions made on how i feel have always ended in disappointment. Those made according to what i know have the best outcome but are ultimately more difficult.
Change is inevitable but rarely easy.
I wish there existed 2 buttons. A Fuckit button and a Fixit button. I would use the Fixit button to fix to the fuckit while also fucking the fixit. *sigh*

For my dudesez

Its understandable that we are angered by members of our team and saddened by the state of things. We cannot let them make us hate. We cannot be in fear of their next move. Fear and hate will rob us of our reason and reason is never a fair sacrifice.
I am grateful for obstacles such as these because i am made wiser,  stronger and more adept in handling them and at helping others who share a similar experience.
We are individually important to the whole. Let us not forget.

Whats the big fucking deal

So gay marriage. Should it be legal? Why? Why not?
Why- so partners in loving relationships can receive the same legal rights as 'traditional' married couples.
Why not- the christians believe it goes against their biblical beliefs.
This is all hilarious to me because it further displays our ignorance.
The constitution has NO basis in religion and is not legally bound to it in any way.
A civil marriage (one made legal by the witness of a government official) also has no obligation to any religion.
Where is the issue? Let people in love have the same rights as others in love.

In addition to this weirdness I've been hearing people bitch about their 'rights' as defined in the amendments and how they should be left unchanged when the very nature of the word amendment is CHANGE!
Sometimes i look at these situations,  i watch people argue and in my head they've all got mouths full of marbles, their arms and legs are wrapped in bubble wrap that extends past their finger tips and googley-eyed glasses on. You know?  The ones that are like slinkies attached frames with big faux eyes on the ends.

My heavy heart

She understands that her feelings are her own and they cannot be changed without her agreeing to it.
She understands that we are all unfolding into our own perfection on the various paths in life that we are on.
She understands how to care for the hateful. She knows that they most of all require love.
She understands that truth is not without its lofty burdens and treads carefully in accordance with trust.
She does not understand the willfully haughty, irresponsible and ignorant. The selfish and disrespectful with purpose are a mystery to her and yet....she cares.
My heavy heart is not stone. She is not cold but she has damage. Her strength is in her understanding and its in that understanding that she survives. Her ache is the call to action.

Day one

Came home, fed julia, put her down for a nap and cleaned anything within eyeshot until she woke up, played some, fed her dinner, put her down for sleep. Cleaned more, stopped, realized how crazy-lonely i am without Jer. Im tearing up at everything in the house. Pillows now have his t-shirts on them.

Derby itch ....(itches are annoying)

Home bout at Boyd county community center? After party in Ashland? Are we a West Virginia team or Kentucky team? I could understand if we booked a venue elsewhere in WV but in another state? Thats my first itch.
My second is the lack of focus. Its as if no one cares that we are travelling 4hrs away to play a team we've never met. We need to leave an impression that we aren't just a womens club on skates, there to conversate and compliment each others jerseys. Even double said to take it seriously. Treat it like a legit bout she said. Its not about the win, its about experience. I don't want to be a part of a team thats viewed as careless and aloof.
One practice left before the game and no one is talking about strategy, focus or strengthening weak spots. Grrrr..and i don't feel like its my place to say anything.

I miss talking to strangers

When I was in my early teens, I was severely depressed. At my lowest point I can remember pissing and shitting myself because I felt nothing. Actually that's inaccurate. I felt everything, so much so that I was overwhelmed to the point of numbness. The energy that I finally mustered to clean myself up made me realize that next time I should just go to the bathroom, less energy to do it that way.
On days that I was medicated enough to leave the house, I would go to St. Mary's hospital and sit in their designated smoking areas, various lobbies and vending area. I would go to these places and talk to whoever happened there.
I talked to so many people! Nurses, doctors, patients, patients loved ones, delivery personnel and on the very rare occasion - a nun.
All of these people helped me put into perspective the feelings that I could not when I was alone.
Sometimes I did want to be alone. When I did I would go to the second floor concourse, hop a wall and be on the stairs to entrance of the nunery. It was peaceful there. I felt like I could be alone with my thoughts there without them trying to destroy me. Many puddles have been weeped on those stairs.
As I've gotten older, I've gotten better at dealing with my depression. I dont require medication although in low swings I seriously consider making an appointment. Funny thing, I did call once, made an appointment and by the time it came around I was already on my way back up! Cancelled appointment.
I miss strangers.
I'm very open and honest with those that know me but wow! The things I dont say! I dont feel like anyone really knows me, which is good, I make it so. I dont want to be THAT close to anyone....not anymore.
I think about people I have trusted and how I have been royally fucked over by them and it physically hurts my chest. My throat gets tight and dry and I feel like I'll gush tears but I can generally stop before it happens. I work hard to not let the floodgates open. Fuck that. No one gets the satifaction of my tears anymore. I do that shit in private.
I need some strangers. People that dont know me. Ones that arent going to tell me what they think I want to hear or what they would do or how they would feel. Just some honest fucking conversation. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I have no one to talk to.

BEFORE YOU ORDER

When ordering pizza this Sunday from ANY pizza chain please have the following information ready BEFORE YOU CALL. *Your phone number. Delivery or not, we need it. Why? To call if you gave us the wrong address and to verify that you have placed an order should we fuck it up. Simple right? Not so much. Many of you think you should give us the number you are using or think we have caller ID or are telepathic, i assure you, none of that shit is correct. If we cant call you, we will likely not be able to deliver your order. *YOUR ADDRESS. Not your neighbors address because its where you are calling from (see above for restrictions) we need the PHYSICAL address of where the pizza is going. This means house/apartment # and street names. We do not need the name of your building and do not automatically have the address for it. The name of the building can be helpful but ONLY if we have the physical address to begin with. Also, on the corner of blank and blank is not an address unless you can miraculously pull your mail out of the fucking sky when standing on said corner. If you can, good for you - WE STILL NEED YOUR ADDRESS. *YOUR NAME. No brainer right? Wrong. You know how many Smiths, Johnsons and Adkins there are? That order pizza?? At the same time?!? You are not a unique snowflake. We would like to address you by name should we have to call you and believe it or not, we generally have a sense of humor. If the order you placed is for Richard Slidewell or Anita Dick, great! You are that much easier to locate...as long as you dont forget what you've said - then it just becomes annoying. Dont annoy us. Its superbowl sunday, we are already supremely annoyed without your help. If your order is for carryout/pick-up (both mean the same btw) dont tell us what you ordered, please? Just tell us your name. If its Adkins and you think youre being helpful, stop it. We'll verify using your phone # if there are more than one of any name listed. *YOUR ORDER. Tell us what you want and then ask us what deals there are so we can find a fit OR when you ask what the specials are WRITE THEM DOWN, then call us back if you need time to think about it. Putting us on hold will only tie up our lines and keep us from making products. We will likely be 30 minutes or more deep in orders. We cant make the order until we are off the line so its not like keeping us on the line is going to magically make your order faster. WE ARE NOT WIZARDS. *PAYMENT METHOD. Drivers dont carry credit card machines or have sat-phones and satellite dishes on their cars to swipe your card. Tell us over the phone when you place your order or pay with cash. We dont get paid to argue with you and care even less about whats in your account. If you are worried that someone might get your CC# i ask that you stop eating every slice of bs that comes your way. It gets typed in and ran, THERE IS NO WAY TO ACCESS THAT INFORMATION AFTER ITS PROCESSED. Please note, delivery times will be high. You are not the only person in your area with the bright idea to have pizza. We do the best we can. The last thing we want is to piss you off. When youre happy, so are we. We dont get paid to argue, if we did, no one would ever get pizza. If fact, you would start saying to your friends "im hungry, you guys hungry? Yeah? Lets call and argue until we are no longer hungry" Contrary to popular belief, we do like our jobs. We dont like them when they are made more difficult by false info, poor attitude and indecision. As im sure you would be too. THANKS! Enjoy the superbowl :)

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck-fuck fuckfuck. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck, fuck! Fuck? Oh fuck! Fuck fuck, lol.
Fuck fuck & fuck? Fuck/fuck fuck fuck fuck. So, fuck. Fuck and fuckity fuck fuckers, fucking, fuckhead, fuckhole, fuckstick, clownhead, fuckistas and fucktards. Fuck it. But please do it politely. Thank you.

Goodmorning!

I love being told that i have nothing but negative things to say over breakfast...a breakfast that you made which i now feel strange for continuing to eat for some reason.
I love crying into my milk as you point out that my opinions are the reason we have a failure to communicate.....
My opinion isnt yours so im saying something negative?
So if i agreed with everything you say then we'd get along just fine, right?
That's not fair and im not a yes man.

WHEN YOU TELL ME (everytime i have a different point of view, opinion or idea) THAT IM SAYING SOMETHING NEGATIVE, IT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO SPEAK.

Just so you know.