:(

Its difficult to want to go on being the best you can when the best that you are just doesn't seem good enough.

12-21-12 really? You expected something more?

Item was my sincerest hope that today wouldnt so much be the end of the world but rather the end of an age.
The age were we require a magical sky daddy to shirk our responsibilities and forfeit our rational to. The age were common sense is revered like jem because of its scarcity. The age in which the 'spell' of the 'almighty dollar' was finally broken. The age of apathy. The age of violence. The age of greed. The age of hopelessness....
I know that without war, we cannot know peace. Are we so far gone as a race that we cannot redefine what war and peace are? It baffles me completely how one human can choose to end the life of another for a reason other than by request. (Im alright with assisted suicide. I may need help myself one day.)
I want to rant passionately, wax impacting poetry, stir souls and rejuvenate the senses of our inner sleeping giants. Wake up our strength and take ourselves back. We cant even see that we deserve to be more than the mindless-zombie-fodder-retards that we've become.
I want to tell you all how special, perfect and powerful you all are!
Most of all, I want you to believe it.
We could make a difference and influence change if we could somehow manage to give a fuck...even just a small one.

(Le sigh)

I think about things.
Then i dream about them, vividly.
I fear that as i age the dreams i've had will replace my memories.
I'll tell stories like, 'sure i've seen the world end a couple of times...from different locations' '..so this one time when i was watching Einstein, Hitler, Ghandi and Stalin play hacky-sack while sipping luminescent champagne...' and '..i learned how to fly once when i was a vampire. All you have to do is run as fast as you can and jump a few times till you break free of the gravity! People dont realize that gravity is actually very slow!...at vampire speeds anyhow'
I have quite a few recurring dreams. Some different dreams that happen around/in the locations of other dreams and the best one yet is when i discovered that they are, literally, all connected. I got to revisit dreams past and remembered a few that i had forgotten.
It's a beautiful and frightening place, nightmares occur there too but worth the risk, in hindsight.
I take things/people with me too. All i have to do is think about them.
More real to me than life and those that know me well wonder how i could sleep so much!

Fucking Connecticut

I've been avoiding giving it any attention. If my little girl was randomly murdered by some disturbed individual, the last thing i would want is to hear or see it, Repeatedly, everywhere.
When i heard about the shooting, my heart broke and i wanted nothing more than to hold Julia. Then i felt it brake again for the loved ones that no longer had their babies to hold. Part of me understands that there are batshit crazy fucks that do stupid shit for no good goddamned reason out there and then theres another part that just. doesn't. get it.
No amount of love and support can help the families. Only time, but even then the pain of loss is omnipresent. If they were here in my living room i'd still hug them. I'd cry with them. I would apologize profusely as if it would help and feel the crushing powerlessness.
Loss is humbling. Loss drains you without permission or warning.
Loss keeps those i love close to me. Loss causes me to love those around me more.

Someone drain me...

I would rather be empty than full of all these terrible feelings.
The absent everything that comes from the presence of nothing is unequivocal to any amount of joy that is inevitably proceeded with pain.
Give me omission.
Give me apathy.

Towel status: Thrown

Im realizing now that im completely useless to everyone but Julia and Jer and that part of my high heart has sunk.
I have said that I love my work.
I have claimed love for my friends and family.
I have looked in the mirror and said 'i love you'
However,
I do no good for my employees and am at stand still with my management team and supervisor. I have lost the joy that once came with greeting my staff at the beginning of each shift with a personal 'hello!'
I have been unsuccessful in making time for my family and friends both before and after Julias birth. I want her to know them all like i want to know them all and i have failed thus far. You're all changing and im losing you.
I avoid my reflection.
I do everything in my power to ensure Julia and jer's safety and well being. I will continue to do so until it becomes impossible.
I will leave my current job to relieve their burden of me.
I will continue to try to see my friends and family when i can.
I will tell myself that it's ok but i will still avoid my reflection..

Good fucking god people.

So! I wrote an email to my derby coach about how i was feeling. I got a cut and paste response from her and decided it would be best not to respond to it but instead to accept that i said my peace and move on.
Little did i know that said coach was not sure how to respond and passed along the email to someone else on the team. If i knew she were going to make it public, i would have posted it on the board like i had originally intended.
There has always been much talk of things to get done but not a lot if doing.
I can get things done.
It was mentioned on the team board that maybe i "could work my managerial magic" in the situation.
Despite my busy schedule and despite personal sacrifices, i decided that i would step up (as we are often asked to do)and put some organization to things.
Its now very clear that our team lacks strong communication. I intend to remedy that or leave. I cant handle women being catty or talking shit behind each others backs. I expect that in high school. We have no high schoolers on our team last i checked.

My favorite season

The air is crisp.
The sky is clear or perfectly grey.
Generally i could go on and on but today i'm having trouble finding the words.
I'm turning 30 tomorrow without you. These things have a way of creeping up on me. My favorite season fraught with the sadness of happy times that im slowly forgetting. Happy times i will try to make with Julia as she grows. My daughter will never know you but through stories. She'll only ever see your pictures. It will be tough to explain to her why i seem so sad during a time when i should not be.
I wish i could put my memories of us in a jar for safe keeping. They're in danger in my mind. I don't visit them as often as i should...i'm sorry.
Im turning 30 and you aren't here to make fun of me :) You'll be 29 at the end of the month, i'll have a drink for you...maybe i'll visit your grave. 7 years and i still haven't made it up there...sorry some more.
My favorite season and i cant wait for it to be over.

Wheels of frustration

I love roller derby.
I've always loved to skate so when i was told about a derby team here in huntington was accepting ladies, i was on it like (place colloquialism here).
A year and one child later, i still love derby however its a difficult love to sustain. You must feed the gear demon $ you must pay dues $ you must maintain your skates $ you must pay for gas to get to and from practice $ you must pay USARS fee to play $ you must pay for uniforms $ you must pay whatever cost that could hinder you from being on wheels and working your ass off (literally i've lost at least 2inches).
The reward is that you haven't let your team down. You're apart of something bigger than yourself and it runs better with you than without.
....that being said, we started out having one off skate practice and one on skate and unanimously decided that we needed 2 days on skates.
We do endurance drills...a lot. I understand that its important but considering how we did at our last 2 bouts i was thinking that we might focus on the game a bit more. (After all you don't teach basketball players to just dribble.)
How are we supposed to get better at the few skills we have learned if all we do is endurance?
We have 2 on skate practices. Why not have one endurance and one rule and strategy? Hell, we could even do half and half instead of rule and strategy for the last 15-30 minutes of a 2 hour practice.
I love that i hurt after practice and the next day but it would be nice to leave the rink and instead of saying 'wow i hurt so much' say 'wow i learned so much'
In my time with JCRG i had made that statement once.
The two days off a week that i get from work are the two days i go to derby practice. I dont have a day off to myself to relax and do nothing. I raise my daughter, i work, i play derby so when we arent on skates i get a little irritated. Especially since i pay $40 a month on dues that i'm barely able to come up with as it is.
How is knowing i can i do 50 jumping jacks going to help me during a bout when the ref is yelling at me and i dont know what his hand signals mean?
I think im done ranting for now...i really want to skate :(

LISTIA!

www.listia.com more free stuff on Listia Im trying this because i have lots of little things to post. Odd little things. Things than need care that i haven't the time for. I hope someone wants them..

Cass

I miss you today. Just like i do everyday but today it's in the forefront.
I've stopped myself from giving me your ghostly advice. What you'd have said then and what you'd say now, if you were still alive, might be different.
This morning i really want to talk to you so i go to this table in my head. Its dark and there is a light shining down on it. There are 2 chairs. One on which i am sitting and the other is for you. We are across from each other and i imagine you there, first as a youth when we were carefree then, you morph into a slightly older version. The one from middle school when cares became more apparent. Then back and forth between the various adult versions of yourself i came to know.
I wish you'd just find a form and stick with it.
I scoot my chair around the table beside you, maybe being near you will help stabilize you but you just keep flickering like an old film. Never saying a word. Just smiling and changing, never speaking.
I watch. I want to rest my head on your shoulder but your ghost cant let me. You watch me. You smile and you flicker.
I want to talk to you...im afraid one day i'll forget the sound of your voice. Im afraid that one day, i'll come here and you wont flicker because i've forgotten your face.
I miss you today. More today than usual and there isnt a thing i can do about it.

Fucking issues.

So i want to say that im seeing the difference between paranoia and good old fashioned distrust but more often than not the massive blurry line between them is all thats visible.
I find myself wondering this afternoon, am i capable of a healthy relationship? I honestly do not know the answer. I think im fucked :(
I pretend to be ok. I study my surroundings. I watch events unfold. I bite my tongue so hard sometimes it bleeds (figuratively). I get sick on the scenarios that my troubles conjure....all i can do is be silent.
Depending on who i speak with, it either feeds the anxiety or it just sounds crazy. I could talk to someone else with similar issues but we would only end up validating our negative feelings. Talking to someone that has overcome trust issues is like finding jesus. (The real, physical jesus not a metaphorical one) not that it would amazing but that it would be impossible.

P.S.
Just because you understand a thing does not make it easily fixable. I understand where my issues come from and what compounds them. I cant open my eyes one morning and decide to be fixed. Instead i wake and say, i will not let this ruin my day. Move through it and wake for the next. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Just breathe

...breathe...
...be quiet....listen to your breath....
...focus on it......cherish, nay languish in its ease....
...stop thinking.....just for a minute.....
...breathe...
...let everything go....if only for a moment and breathe....let the rush pass....give it permission to cease and breathe....
...breathe deeply...with your whole being....allow yourself to relax...its ok....be comfortable in your skin.....
...breathe....
...you're ok...you're going to be fine...understand that, like all things, this too shall pass...
....breathe and enjoy it, otherwise you waste it...

Growl.

I feel venom in my veins. It increases as each minutes dies. More than irritated, more than angry, more than frustrated. I imagine that this is how Mr. Hyde's skin crawls just before Dr. Jekyll splits it open and rushes out, howling off his chaos.

My situation is not dire. My life is pleasant to most...preferable even to their own i suppose.
I cant help this trembling just below the surface that threatens to overrun me. Its times like theses that when i look in the mirror and i swear i can see myself screaming...((sigh))...its no wonder vanity and i aren't better acquainted. Who wants to see that?
Shiver though i may with fearsome aggression, i stay collected...calm...even tempered, but I dare you to say the wrong thing to me today.

Today

Hurts to walk. Feet covered in painful rash. Hurts to use hot water as it exacerbates the pain in hands from the same rash. Throat feels better though! I can swallow more easily but now my teeth are sensitive?? C'mon! Secondary infection should be clearing up, antibiotics are good for that. That one is impetigo of the scalp. Nasty stuff. Dr says its caused by an allergic reaction to the discount shampoo i just bought. Makes sense.
While the coxsakievirus distracted my immune system, my skin was busy saying hello to every irritation possible. I want to say im miserable but i feel like its gotten as bad as its going to get and is getting better so i cant be miserable...just uncomfortable.
These pictures dont do it justice :(

Btw if you're reading this and are suffering from hand, foot & mouth. Soaking you feet for a short time im lukewarm water provides minor relief. Soft socks and plush house shoes provide minor relief when walking. I have found that relaxing your toes and rubbing your feet gently together provides the most relief but you cant exactly walk and rub your feet together.
Same goes for hands. Use them both as sparingly as possible.
Cold drinks for the throat. Avoid caffine if possible.

Miserable

Julia got a coxsakie virus that causes hand/foot/mouth disease :( shes a little whiny but other than that shes active and smiley...unlike myself. I got it from her. My feet feel fucking awful. How is she smiling?

Feelers in the ether

I still read tarot.
Lately (thanks Seraphiel) my readings are clearer and more accurate. I need more fearless folk to volunteer for them that i may hone my skills further.
All i need is your permission and an email address :)

P.s. No, i will not sell your email to anyone

A lovely bunch of cocoa nuts

So i feel happy, for once. First time in a long time...maybe one day i'll feel it without being afraid it will attack me.
In some ways happy is ok. I understand that there are ups and downs. You go into happy, you come out of happy then back in, blah blah blah blah. I wouldnt compare my happy to a roller coaster - those are predictable. Yes, you are travelling at speed towards the twists and turns but you can see them coming and the light at the end of the tunnel is the station. You decide it was worth the fear and hop back in line. You masochist.
I on the other hand must've taken a shit in Mohamed, buddah, jesus and satans showers because my happy is like a broken sling shot. A fun device for wreaking havoc and (quite frankly) causing destruction. See? Sometimes it works properly and im like 'yay. This is neat'. Nevermind that i've inadvertently nailed an elderly man in the noggin.
However, a majority of the time it sends pebbles of wtf flying in all directions or is hurling itself back into my face. So i tend to take my happy with a grain of salt and follow my bliss with a first aid kit.
Happy? Yeah, i've done that. Seek it out? Barely! Im content with muddle. Zen with confuse. Cautiously optimistic.
I could always run from happy but happy is annoying in that it finds you, makes you smile then punches you in the cunt.

I forget myself

Locked on an idea. Buried deep in what ifs. Begging myself to stop hearing the siren songs...Im beguiled. Im enthralled. Im trapped and making myself feel worse.....im my own personal train wreck....im making my issues worse because i cant shut off my goddamned brain....filled with a temporary self loathing, i come here to bitch like a coward.....thats a little angry....a little uneasy....a little unable to explain herself properly, FUCK! I am one frustrated lady.
Sick and tired of feeling like im always in some form of danger.

Great. The inevitable. How I love/hate thee.

Viscera tangled in coils of turmoil that threaten to ruin yet another day. If stupidity is bliss....i must be very smart. Bliss eludes me. Bliss taunts and teases me like the whore from highschool that wants your attention and friendship but doesn't want you. Bliss escapes me when i catch it....like a hagfish...look them up, disgusting creatures. Desirable only for their ability to become lovely wallets in expensive shops.
I feel sick. Theres a fist in my feelings that threatens to mash through in a fury of tears and protest. It will say 'why, why, why' and flop about like a chump, looking weakly at all the healthy feelings as if to say 'help' in the tongue of a spoiled brat seeking comfort for damage that hasn't been done.
If a human could function without a heart, I'd have clawed mine out already.

Details

Today is one of those days that i feel like im drowning. I want to say that i dont know why but i'd be lying. Truth is, i just dont want to think about whats really bothering me.

I close my eyes and begin to drift.

When i am finally still I open my eyes to a structure infinite in all directions.
My pulse quickens.
The rumbling starts. An all encompassing, slow build meant to ward off even the most brave warriors.
Bits if brick and mortar crumble as i approach. The structure heaves a heavy breath that causes the walls to shake loose their secrets. Hidden hurts, smiles from long ago, little empty feelings, big full ones all falling like rain from the infinite tops.
The pressure builds and the weight of the unseen threatens to collapse in on me.
Fear engulfs me....i back away.....paste on my fake smile......wake.....hold back the flood for one more day.

Word to your sleeplessness

Insanely overwhelmed by fear....again.
I have to fight this or it will ruin what's left of me. Im so mad at myself for trusting the wrong people that I cant see straight. Its fucked everything.

Faith is confidence or trust in a person or thing.
Trust is a firm reliance on the integrity, ability etc of a person or thing.
Seems silly to believe in a thing just because...shouldn't it also be silly to trust without reason? Fuck the reason, wouldn't it be easier to just say fuck all?
I've never felt this way.
I can't stand who I've become.

Must close eyes...

I can't sleep :(
Julia is no longer in pain and sleeping soundly. I've eaten, exercised (yes, exercised) drawn on a onsie, pet the cat, laid in various positions and played draw something like 10x.
My mind is having problems shutting off. There is so much to do around here...I need another shelf for Julias room and some kind of cabinet or shelf in the bathroom. Also, some form of shelving or storage solution for the kitchen and oh fuck! It occurs to me that I have massive amounts of laundry to do. None of which I can take care of immediately.
All this with the addition of fighting myself for control over my worries and fears.....run down? That a good term to use? Yeah.

I feel run down. May as well let the lions eat me.

Creeping in again

All the doubts from which I attempt to run have pinned me down and are screaming in my face. Strange how I can wake up smiling beside you and end up by Julias crib, on the floor, in tears while the both of you sleep.
I feel like i've been sincerely ruined or rather, have allowed myself to be.
I hope im not so lost i'll lose you....it's like im a giant holding a butterfly, terrified that i'll destroy our beautiful, delicate wonderful.
Please don't be disturbed by my moodiness. I try hard to not let it effect us....to effect you.
Forgive my inability to say this directly to you Jeremiah. Your kindness can be overwhelming :)
I love you...

The bleh

While cleaning and organizing my daughters room, I came across a small photo album. Upon inspection a card containing an obituary and a photo of Cassidy fell out.
For those that don't know, Cassidy was my best childhood friend. From 3rd grade til January 21st of 2006.
On the front if the card is an ape with googley eyes, scratching its head, next to a bubble that says "you know what I think?" On the inside it says "I think youre nuts!....but i like you that way!" She signed it your friend with friend scribbled out and best friend Cassidy beside it with 3 lines under best....it was the first time she referred to me as her bestfriend.
I miss her terribly. She knew me best and never spared me when it came to advice. I'd really like to talk to her right now.

Because of her death, I grieve intensely for those I have not lost. It keeps me close to them. It keeps me kind.

Been reading my blog have you?

I'll have you know that its not difficult to imagine a world without you but its a world where the color is faded, the sounds are all the same, the people are all gray and all food seems like its missing something....
My life will never be the same without you. I can't go back, not if you don't go with me. I hit a rough patch...I hit it hard and if it hadn't been for you I may not have made it out. Julia and I are both in your debt.
I may never be able to repay you but i'm willing to try as long as you'll let me. I love you Jeremy Hayes. You're my hero :)

I realized today...

...that all my joys are aches in drag.
...that no matter how happy I am, sadness is waiting around the corner with a pipe bomb.
...that I will never be able to truly enjoy something without thinking of something ruining it.

I can lie to myself. I can smile and be pleasant like I usually am. I can play devils advocate to all my own horrors like I usually do....at least I appreciate everything more because of this outlook.
Don't take away my pain, you just take away what happiness its tethered to? ....yup....
Im caused to love more when dreaming of loss.

Beautiful days like this absolutely destroy my inner peace..

Joseph Kony

http://s3.amazonaws.com/kony2012/kony-4.html

Holy fucking shit.

Dear jeremy Huffman,
Im am finally able to say, without holding back, that you are completely wrecked.
You missed a day last week to see your daughter because you overslept. Then you say the following day that you can't come visit her because you've made other plans. Those plans were to go to a party. If I hadn't called you out on your bs and made you feel bad, you wouldn't have shown up for the hour you did.
Yesterday you ask if you can come over late and stay over to get some time in, of course I said yes. By 7pm and no response to my text I called you. You tried to lie and say that you were taking care of your grandfather.  I finally got it out if you that you were drinking with your new love interest.
You sir are creating the pattern of a dead beat dad. If Julia were 5, she would've been waiting on her daddy to show and it would fall on me to cover for you and wipe away her tears. Good thing she isn't old enough to understand that she had been stood up by her dad for the first time.
My dad is a p.o.s he did that all the time to me and my sister. He made promises to visit us and take us places and never showed. Hell he even forgot to pick us up from school a time or two and he gave us the same excuses that you are giving Julia and I now.
Fuck you jeremy. The gloves are off and im tired of being polite. You can hurt me all you want but if you bring one tear to my little girls' eyes I will have your head on a goddamned platter.
Im sick of selfish assholes like you that can't see an inch in front of their noses. If you didn't want trouble, you have an awfully funny way of showing it.

                              Making a list,
                                 -Sarah M. Aliff

Restless encounters of my heart

I watch you watch me fall apart. You stand there staring at my crumbling foundations, observing the collapse of my spirit like you would a movie you've seen a thousand times.
I hear what you're telling me but I can't understand it anymore. A muted cry for help that echoes 'wolf' when i put my ear to your heart.
All that remain are the ghosts of your good intentions, hanging weakly on the broken promise that everything will be fine one day. Tattered and trapped in their final goodbyes.
All the dust from my shattered heart swirls about my feet like a stray I can do nothing for. I reach for it and slipping through my finger tips, it collects and disperses, forming and reforming the love it once was....

Christ on a goddamned cracker

How is it that you can still hurt my feelings?! I appreciate that you are trying to help but when I tell you that its ok and not to worry, stop fucking trying to help! I get annoyed and snap at you! When I say stop, I mean STOP. That doesn't mean keep trying when you see an opportunity. It means, politely, to fuck off.
Don't get pissed off at me when I snap at you because I asked you to stop and you didn't.
And don't fucking tell me that I make it hard for you to care when you're the asshole that doesn't know how to listen!!

For once...

...I don't feel hopeless.

Letting them in

It kills me that I still have faith in humanity. I sincerely wish I could kill it. Not having it would keep me out of relationships which are the number one cause of destruction to my psyche.
How is it that I can look fondly on a person knowing, full well, what they are capable of and not only that but what they are likely to execute?
What is this faith without trust besides just another exercise in futility?
The seeds of doubt have no trouble growing and when its time, i harvest heaps of loathing and insecurity. Many bushels of emotional exhaustion and baskets of fear and suspicion.
When you've grown something for so long. Its difficult to grow something new. One first must till the soil mixing and turning, toiling, trying and failing and trying again. Even after repeated attempts, sometimes, what you want to grow just wont.

Bitter Princess

I recently discovered that my first and middle name combined, means bitter princess.
Aren't I fortunate? Its explains a lot actually.
* I put all of myself into my relationships because I don't believe in half assing things and none of them have worked out. Bitterness
* Dad was in and out of our lives til I was 16 or so, now he doesn't recognize us. (My sister and I) Bitterness
* The one person I was closest to growing up, moved to Florida and overdosed 6 years ago. BITTERNESS.
* Im pregnant and the baby's father has been unable to care for himself, let alone us for quite sometime. Subsequently, we are not together as I can't take care of all 3 of us. Bitter, bitter, bitter.
There is more but those are the highlights.
I understand that we all have ups and downs but im seeing how the good has been outweighed.
I will continue to try to find happiness. I will mourn its passing with a smile and quiet tears.
That is the station of a bitter princess. To keep her head up despite the pain. To go on smiling and caring for the sake of those in her charge.
To do what is best for everyone and not just herself.

Frozen

Im at a loss for words.
I can't describe how I feel.
That never happens.
Its not like it matters.
I held back tears for hours today.
It was one of the hardest things i've done in a while.
Swallowing all my emotions....it pains me but, its the right thing....for everyone....even for me? Maybe I can believe that one day.
I just want to scream.

Intensive Care Unit

Tonight I took Jeremy to the emergency room. After some tests they decided to take him to ICU for an overnight.
One of the nurses working on his care happens to be a diabetic like Jeremy and says to him "you need to get it together or you're going die" he closed his eyes and went back to sleep.
He heard this the last time he was hospitalized. He has been told this by his doctor. He has been told this by his friends and family.
I don't know why I hope but I wish his daughter could tell him and maybe that would be the kicker.
Jeremy and I haven't been together for a while now but I still want him to know his little girl and for her to know her daddy.
At this point who knows what will happen.
I worry for Julia.
Too bad there isn't an ICU for the mind.