Thanks for the nothing. I was almost out.

I just want to feel happy and not be pretending. Even if its for a moment.
Apparently you don't understand that. You don't understand how long I stayed unhappy in our relationship. How long I stayed unhappy yet somehow hopeful that I could help you.
Now that its over, you want to change and make things better. Great. Too little, too late Jeremy.
Your efforts now are like a slap in the face. You say you want to be friends and work on getting along, its important for our daughter that we get along, but making snarky comments when you visit and calling me up to argue afterwards is reversing any progress you've made.
You continue to make me feel stupid for believing things could get better. Thanks.

I feel bad because im happy??

Someone other than you made me smile Jeremy. Being that I still love you regardless of our separation,  yeah, it makes me feel bad because its not you.
I've made it pretty clear through the years that I wanted it to be you but I guess it was just too much to ask.
Now you've found another mole hill to make a mountain of anger from. I tried to show you another way and your pride wouldn't let you see it.
Will you teach your daughter to hate as you do? To be prideful and angry as you are?
You're going to run around and lie about me some more to make you feel better because if they hate me and aren't hating you there's balance in Jeremy's world.
You're too prideful to accept that you let us fall apart. Instead of trying to fix anything you just want to pretend nothing ever happened and you never changed a thing. The only time you put forth any real effort is when I got fed up and kicked you out like damage control after the fact would do any good.
Well you won. At least a little bit. I feel a bitterness growing.....I have massive trust issues now......im afraid to care about others so every relationship I have in the future will fail. Is that good enough for you? That make you feel good? Does it make up for how everyone else in your life hurt you? You destroy thethat one that didn't.
I've never hurt quite this bad.
You must be so proud.
Sick thing is....I still love you..

Swimming in misery

Its my understanding that if you look for something, you'll find it.
You look for good in someone - there is it.
You look for bad - Tah Dah!
So why bother? Looking for the unrealistic. Searching for truth when even truth is open for debate. A real person when if you close your eyes they disappear. Poof!
So what now? Settle for the least terrible? Be happy with whatever effort is exerted? Believe any 'truth' as a matter of convenience then pick up later to refute for arguments sake??
I am so very tired of these games. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations. I should want less from this one life i've been given? Enjoy being a rat in the rat race, you could be a slug! Pah!
I know what I want and need....I just have to adjust my way of thinking to accept that perhaps I wont ever get either from anyone other than me...
So very tired.....wish I had never learned to swim.

12/02/2011

My heart feels weak today. Its definitely my fault. I keep running scenarios in my head of painful future events that may or may not happen. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst? Not this girl. Pessimism all the way.
The future doesn't scare me....the people in it do. The ones I care about mostly. It amazing to me that the people we care for the most usually cause us the most pain. Be it good old fashioned fighting and miscommunication or death. Somewhere along the line, someone you love will cause you pain. It could be accidental or on purpose. Doesn't really matter, its going to happen.
I think about these things and try to react appropriately not knowing exactly how that might be.
Myeh. I think about these things like the now is any less complicated.

Apathy chip status: Malfunction

What I want and what I need are finally the same thing but as luck would have it, both are unattainable.
I really can't wait for Julia to get here so I can focus all my energy on her....might piss off the cat but oh well, pooter will have to cope.
Its stupid. I feel like I've been beaten with my own arms and legs.

Dear Jeremy,

I feel like there little pieces of my heart that are just too broken to function. Pieces that when put back together so much as they have been, disintegrate under the weight of themselves.
I've been telling you for a very long time about what upsets me and what you could do to change it. All I've ever asked for is the love and respect that I've given you. Never asked you to change who you are, I always loved who you are.
I watched you change over time. It seemed like the more I was there for you, the less you wanted me around. You pushed me away - emotionally and physically.
It hurt, I drank more just like you. I stayed upstairs at our last place because you complained when I was near you.
I keep asking what i've done wrong and you can't give me an answer.
Im so very tired of trying to keep is together when there is little to no effort on your part. You asked me to marry you and i said yes.....then you used the ring as a weapon too many times so I stopped wearing it. Almost 2 full years have gone by and you made no effort to put it back on my finger which says to me that it was never very important to you.
I thought we were going to have a life together with 2 kids and a dog, grow old together and laugh at how other people aren't as smart as we are......shows who the fool is here.
People become foolish when they fall in love....I was fool for you....I would gladly have continued to be.
Julie wont let me feel bitter. I only have hope, maybe should've named her hope because I feel like she's saving us both.
I know that none of this matters and you'll never read this or any of these posts, even though you know about them. I know that it wont make a difference if you do otherwise it would have made a difference in our lives. I know that no matter how hard or loud I beg, I just wont. Be important enough for you to REALLY care. Actions speak louder than words and your 'I loves you's are lost in the wake of negativity you blanket our relationship with.
I love you.....I love you.......I love you but I just can't do this anymore. Im sorry.

Return

I invited Jeremy to move back in. Its been one day and already there is mess all over, has been a spill and a fight.
How can someone so happy to be back be so ungracious?
He's negative of everything. Turns polite conversation into controversy with a word or tone, completely oblivious to the effect his words and actions have on other people.
I hate who I am when we are together. I become negative. Snarky. Depressed and even scared.
One day back and already I am regretting my decision.

Nights like these.....

......I just can't stop crying.

Im not mad about the $6

Im NOT mad that you spent $6 on a beer and a shot.
Im mad because you said you were tired and feeling sick and weren't coming over.
Im mad because you went back to work afterwards to help clean and told me there was a raise in it for you and that you were doing it for our daughter.
Im mad because you believe you would get a raise for working off the clock under the influence of alcohol.
Im mad because you've lied to me so much I can barely tell when you are real.
Im mad because I feel like you chose alcohol over time with me.
Im mad because every time I get my hopes up for us, it seems like you always smash them into my face.
Im mad because you make me afraid to feel happy.

Love?

An over abundance of love is dangerous. As dangerous as having no love at all.......too much love can destroy a person completely;  especially when its unrequited.

Sunday morning.  Im alone in the dark of my living room. My thoughts are going dark places. I consider for a moment to turn on the lights but these thoughts are heavy and keep me planted....as if having bright, happy lights on to mock me would somehow better the situation.

I guess jeremy was 'venting' to a friend via text and accidentally sent me one of the messages. It reads: Sarah wants help with the bills for a place I don't live in, if she weren't carrying my child I'd tell her to go fuck herself.
It felt like he had stabbed him in the chest.
I did recently kick him out.  Superficially its because he's not making enough money, which means that i'm paying for everything. Did I mention that he took an entire year off work to fix his physical and mental health while I paid out every dime I had for us during that time? True, I told him to take 4 to 6 months off to do those things as I want him to be healthy, I was more than willing to work for his good....and I did.
After 8 months and no progress on his part, I told him to get a job. He made excuses for every option I gave him. He lied to me about money he was spending. Buying videos games, xbox points, liquor, weed and cigarettes. He had long before stopped sleeping in bed with me. He became a part of the couch. I had it.

Its like pouring water into a bucket with a hole. Here I was giving him everything LITERALLY,  patience, kindness, love,  money, cooking his dinner and playing happy hostess to his friends while he reciprocated nothing.
I was so angry I started drinking more to cope. I would come home and argue with him. I tried everything at that point. Maybe if I got to his level I would understand. I didn't and it didn't work of course, I knew it wouldn't. I failed again.
I decided to leave. In the process of moving out I discovered that one of my last ditch efforts to connect with him resulted in a child. (Ps- my endocrinologist failed to mention that cabergoline would cause me to ovulate like a normal woman. I thought I was barren and couldn't have kids.)
So I say hey jeremy, we're going to have a baby, let's try to work this out at my new place seeing as how my would-be roommate had to move back home for a family emergency.
I even helped him get his job back at papa johns.
A month or two tick by and im seeing myself paying for mostly everything again. He's not getting many hours. He claims that he's been trying to find other employment then says to me one day 'i need $94.00 for the electric bill.'
I flew into an absolute rage.
I paid $550.00 a month plus utilities all the while he was buying stuff on the side and lying to me about it FOR A WHOLE YEAR.
If I were an uber-cunt I'd have moved out saying you owe me around $3,300 in back rent plus half of all the utilities. I didn't.
I felt cheated.
That same night, he asked if his friend Todd could stay over because his trailer was flooded. I said sure, as long as he doesn't bring any liquor. He agrees and later shows up with Todd. I noticed after yelling at him for asking for money that they are both slurring. I discovered that they were drinking anyway and trying to hide it from me. That disrespect was the last straw. I packed a box with his essential things and put it ob the porch the next day.
I wont have pillheads or drunk idiots around my child even if she is still in utero. I wanted to start building good habits now before she is born but that takes more than just my effort if he was going to stay here. What I should've done for myself long ago, i ended up doing for her. I hope she understands one day that the reason daddy doesn't live with us.
I feel incredibly hopeless and lost. I should be on leave but I can't afford to stop working. I can't work as much as I was so im having a hard time paying for things like bills and rent. At least I get WIC, my grandmother and Jessica keep my pantry stocked otherwise I'd have to be on welfare or living in the ghetto.
That's what's on my mind today. My life is falling apart and I keep asking myself what i've done to cause it. I want to teach my baby girl not to make the same mistakes.

I turned 29 today...

I ate Wendy's, saw the movie Contagion then I came home and cried. (Jeremy went with me, we dutched it since we're both broke. Matinee even.)
I told him I might take a nap so he went to his grandfathers to do laundry. He says "I love you, i'll be back later cause we've got an ultrasound tomorrow." Its only 5 pm.

Im afraid to hope. I want to think that he's going to do something special for me while he's gone but I already know nothing is going to happen. He may even forget to come back.

Alone and pregnant on my couch with the intention of making brownies for myself later should I find some hidden energy.

Im so very unfulfilled with my life at this point. Ive let a lot get in the way. Im going to have a baby soon and what will I tell her when she's old enough to understand these things and ask questions. Will I lie like everyone else does? Will I be honest to the point of damage as I have been?

I do know one thing; I'd be much worse off if I weren't pregnant. She is basically keeping me alive.....saving me. I will continue because I am in her debt. The thought makes me want to smile.......I can't wait to smile again.  : )

She feels....

Its not getting easier. It feels like each minute is mile that keeps lengthening the expanse that was already present before all of this......it feels like darkness is closing in and there is no light I can see in which to find refuge....is she feeling what im feeling? Is she scared like me? Am I the darkness to my little girl? Scared is an accurate description for me at this point.

Can't stop torturing myself.

Miserable

Why am I so worthless to the men I love?
Why am I so unimportant?
I want things to work but they never do......I must be a real piece of shit.
Why can't I get back the love I give? Its hurts so bad I feel like I cant breathe. I want to feel loved and respected........wanted. why don't you need me jeremy?

More futility practice.

Tonight is one of those nights in which I feel the overwhelming desire to be rescued while simultaneously feeling a complete collapse of hope that it will happen.
So here I sit. Pregnant @ 10:40pm pm in a parking lot a few blocks away from my house, just returning from a short trip from the gas station to get chocolate. Its pathetic really.
All the 'strength' that I talk into other peoples lives, all that good advice they use and succeed with......im the weak one. I don't take my own advice but I sure as hell make my own excuses.
Its not a person or a place that I need rescue......its a self.

Today

Im going to function properly today, even if I want to give up or scream. Im going to shower and finish the last 2 rooms in this house. Then im going to kmart to put ambiguous baby things on lay-a-way. I don't want to get out of bed...I don't want to eat...I don't want to see someone I know and pretend that everything is ok just long enough to get through the conversation....then retreat back into my head and wonder why I feel like I have to spare poeple my sadness. Does that make me a liar?

Forever alone moments

- when you walk outside and there's no traffic, no body walking around only the sound of street lights changing.
- when you get to work and everything is up and running but there's no coworkers around.

..you hold your breath, you panic for a moment but then a car or a person telling you the meeting is down a floor. Whew!

- im laying in bed, caressing my swollen abdomen thinkng about the man next to me. I realize that he doesn't know how to care for himself. He doesn't know how to be in a proper relationship......I think about the baby.....he knows what kind of father he doesn't want to be but will that alone make him a good father? I think of all the times he's lied to me. I think of all the seeds of doubt he's planted. 4 years of this and when I cry he still asks 'whats wrong?' I wish I had the wherewithall to ask him to leave. I dont do well with someone that only cares when its convenient, but who will care for an unwed mother like me?

We're killing it softly

I feel like im being crushed beneath the weight of his inability to understand how his actions are affecting this baby.
The stress is bad. Tightness in the chest, headaches, loss of appetite, increased depression. Im afraid its all hurting the baby and I can't explain enough to him how his selfishness is the primary cause.
I feel like its killing the baby and me. This is my life. Moving from one stress to another with little to no peace. I used to have derby - definitely worth waking up and fighting through a week of anger, sadness and confusion. I don't have that anymore. Now I have to focus on the baby but I can't stay happy long enough to keep my appetite up.

Im not fond of living anymore.

Blog #something

Im trying to sort things out in my head but it keeps getting muddled.
If someone doesn't care about you but then cares about you when you're pregnant, how will things pan out once the baby is born?
No wedding in sight. Only a truce at best to keep the fighting off. Am I doomed to end up in a court trying to prove my love to stranger that holds my fate at gavels end?
I feel no peace. I feel fear and frustration. I feel like im not even real anymore...
Who is this person that's scared to cry too loud? I heard she was strong once. I heard she was force to be reckoned with. That pile of stupid flesh can't possibly be her.
Can you believe she's pregnant?! How will she care for a child in that state? What a waste.

Warning: I bitch here

So im packing today. Need to be out by the 1st. Not only am I packing my things but im packing jeremy's things too. Why? you ask, because it wont get done otherwise.
Im feeling 'ways' about things. Im already pregnant crazy on top of being ridiculously depressed about my life before I got pregnant....sigh....I'm starting to understand how the women in that show feel, what's it called? Snapped, maybe? I could definitely snap right now. I could drive straight off a cliff without hitting the brake.
I can't say that im losing control, I never had any to begin with. Maybe that's the problem.....

Pregnant

I was super-pissed when I first found out. Then I moved on into acceptance and became happy about having a baby.....then worried when it dawned on me that the man I love, with whom i've had major issues (to the point of moving out) is the father.
He claims he has a purpose now - to be a father. I understand that some people just need a wake up call. I was hoping this was his......

I found out less than 30 days ago about the baby....less than 30 days and he's already falling back into old habits.

Im worried about his abilities to cope with all the things that come with having a child...he can't even care for himself half of the time.

Our relationship isn't suddenly fixed but it does go on the backburner now that we have a bigger issue. What happens when the baby is growing up and all mommy and daddy do is fight? I don't want to fight around my child but with jeremy, it seems inevitable....his temper.

We have to be out of this house in less than a week and all he has done is pack some books and cds.

Im so scared and stressed out from this and working too much that im not sure how much more I can take. How could I let myself end up this way? I don't know what to do....

Weapons I have been

Children don't solve problems. They put them on hold while compounding them. The issues that existed before don't magically go away.
Parents begin to raise them. Begin to disagree. Begin to remember old wounds. Remember their own feelings again.

They supply tension.
  The child absorbes.
They supply arguments.
  The child absorbes.

When they argue from shear unhappiness, even love becomes a conflict and the child becomes a weapon.
No longer essential to a family unit now divided. The child disconnects and the weapon is forged. The child wins affection through manipulation, just like you taught it to. The child uses you as a weapon against yourself.

It takes years of therapy to undo all your mistakes but leaves a deep scar.

I have been this weapon. I cannot let this happen to my child. I worry much.

So you want and dont want me?

Am I going on your back burner?
Am I supposed to just wait for you to get me out of your system until you decide that I'm what you want?
Am your storage unit? Your pity booty call?

At this point, im a fixture. A lamp, however comforting, just not important enough to care about when broken. Sweep me up and throw me out with the rubbish. Get annoyed by the tiny pieces you missed. Replace me with a better version that breaks the same way.

You can't keep your word. You soothe me with lies and expect me to be understanding. You expect me to not be upset when I find you out. You yell at me for being mad about the wrong things you do. Its not fair and wont live like this.

Then theres that

It amazes me how many tears a person has.
I wonder if its possible to dehydrate from crying.
I wonder if someone could have a heart attack from emotional pain.
It amazes me how empty and full a heart can feel.
If our spirits exist, how many times can it bend before it breaks.
Love and hate, side by side, trading places, trading back....the damage, is it real?
So much I don't understand.
So much I can't grasp.
Wake up, breathe, keep breathing.

Cant i be stupid like everyone else...oh, wait..

I just discovered that to some, I just don't get it. Im one of those up my ass, think i'm knowlegdable, might be trying too hard sometimes but means well people.
Its like in school when you get to the last grade in grade school, finally at the top! Then you get to middle school and have to work your way back up and so on, so forth.
I have been wrong about many things and usually I enjoy that because I learn. Now when I am wrong, the impact of my decisions are greater....its more important to not spin the wheel and place your bets.
I feel very alone in this.

Monster

I feel anrgy. I feel sad and weak. I've exhausted my patience, kindness, reserve and wallet. Yet some how, I've been made a monster.

Home is not where your heart is.

You can put your heart into many things. Family, friends, lovers, pets, work, hobbies, feelings, houses, charities, causes, politics, life - in general or death - inevitable, etc....
Let's be honest though, home? Is home a place you go? A song you hear? A person you love? A thing you do or a self you once knew?
I really don't know anymore.

Home is a foreign object found gummed to the bottom of a preschoolers desk.

Stone lover

When the fog falls here, it snakes and disperses like its alive. There is a pond in the graveyard near my home where certain kinds of fog create thillers amongst the stones.
On nights like this, I rush to see the pond. The fountain in the center gushing torrents of mist, gaurded by a stone angel keeping her perpetual vigil on the residence.
I've had nightmares and dreams of her.
First she hovers while I ponder the lives of those around me. Slowly curling her cloud-like tendrils 'round my legs to drag me into the abyss beside her. Her caress teases my thighs until im both terrified and aroused that I wake.
The next night I approach her first and her concrete dress gives when I lift it. Her expression does not change but she regards me and I oblige. She is smooth and firm and cold. I am wet and weary and wanting. When she closes her eyes, I break my fingers inside her and wake....which is the dream? Which is the nightmare?

Words fail

She had a wonderful sense of humor that would completely disarm you at times. She loved music and ice cream and worried, worried, worried more about the well being of those around her more than her own. She loved her family and spoke of them often. She loved more than any person i've ever come in contact with and could put a man of god to shame even though, she would deny it if you told her. Humble, forgiving, caring - all the adjectives in the dictionary created for describing great things about a person belong to her. I hope we can all embrace at least one of her many valuable characteristics, we'd be better humans for it.
I've noticed that when people write about those that have passed, they often forget about all the bad things that made that person who they are and focus only on their good deeds. You don't have to church anything up with Glad' she honestly had a heart of pure gold and if there is a heaven, god should be honored to have such an exceptional woman in his presence.

Gladys Huffman

...has passed away. She was the best woman I know. I miss her.

Mission Almost Impossible

WANTED :
2 bedroom, 1st or 2nd fl apartment or house, $700.00 a month or less that is pet friendly and all electric. Would prefer cent H/A but not required. Prefer Ritter Park or southside areas. No west end, no ghetto, no guyandotte.

I'm hopeful.

Plague and Love

Where the fuck did my vocabulary go?! Maybe next month i'll tuck 'bananas' in once a post. Sheesh!

Stupid feelings.

Im plagued by a feeling of dread. Suspended just above fear, the worry is all encompassing like a border line panic. I can't shake it. I hope everyone I love is ok.

Garbage

I've allowed myself to feel discarded. I enable the people I love to one day toss me aside like I was never there at all, a pile of ash to be swept beneath the rug.
I really wish I could kick my own ass or at least escape my head for just one moments peace.

My thoughts are plagued by a LIfE i've made that I can retreat to when the one I live becomes overwhelming. I'm there so much that I can't wait to go to sleep and dread waking.

Classic Gaming

Is still just as annoying as it was 20 years ago and somehow still as addictive.
I decided to finally dive into some classic gaming by seeing which systems I have, A: Work Properly and B: Display on the HDTV.
Genesis 3 (most compact version without expansion slot for the Sega CD) It lacked proper audio/video cables and would not work with the HDTV but it (as far as I can tell) still functions. No Pit Fall for me : (
3DO works beautifully! The HDTV displays, in the finest detail, every shitty pixel! Seriously, it looks worse than a Hannah Barbara cartoon on VHS. I've got Blade Force, Fifa Soccor and Dragons Lair for the 3DO and went with the obvious choice. Unlike the original arcade version which lit up which direction or action to take I guess they thought they'd step it up a notch for the home release and took that away. It's nearly fucking impossible and I won't explain why but I do invite you to come play and see for yourself.
Atari 2600 Jr. and Atari 7800 Prosystem are both missing power supplies so I don't even get to try them out which is incredibly disappointing considering I have more games for the ataris than I do for the Xbox. With such gems as...
-In original boxes-
 (boxes not in mint condition but not in shambles)
Defender (2 copies)
Yars' Revenge
Lost Luggage
Amidar
Berzerk
Super Breakout
Asteroids
Haunted House
Stammpede
Warlords
Swordquest
Shark Attack
Grand Prix
E.T
Realsports Football
Fire Fighter
Star Raiders


-Not in boxes-
Ms. Pac Man
Taz
E.T
Space Invaders (x2 copies)
Pole Position 2
Combat (X2 copies)
Pac-Man (X2 copies)
Maze Craze
Space Cavern
Battlezone
Towering Inferno
and one unlabeled cartrige with the park bros. logo on it.

1 Challenger Joystick
1 Quickshot Joystick
2 regular joysticks (i'm guessing)
2 Paddle controllers (on one input jack)
1 Video Command controller
1 Space Age Joystick (with the tigger)

I may never grow up at this rate... : D

Today I have randomed.

Stains

http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2009/01/26

Apathy, rinse, repeat.

It's interesting when you finally understand why so many are hopeless. 

The moments when bad things happen but for some reason....you feel nothing.

Uncontrollable apathy.

Everything that was once considered an opportunity is now just chalked up to bad luck.

Everything wonderful is now a reason to one day feel like shit because of it. 

Repeat process until emptiness occurs. 

*EMPTINESS ACQUIRED*

Fill space with things.

Break things.

Get new things.

Forget who you are.

Reinvent yourself.

Learn that real happiness comes from within.

Find contentment.

Realize how insignificant you are.

Find hope.

Lose hope.

Feel empty.

Repeat until your natural, accidental, self inflicted or premeditated end comes. 

What else have you got to do?

 (lyrics below)

 Modest Mouse - Night on the sun 

So, turn off the light 'cause it's night of the sun
You're hopelessly hopeless
I hope so, for you
Freeze your blood and then stab it into in two
Stab your blood into me and blend
I eat my own blood and get filled up get filled up;
I get filled up on me and end so turn off the light
'cause it's night on the sun you're hopelessly hopeless
I hope so, for you
Turn off the light 'cause it's night on the sun
You're hopelessly hopeless
I hope so, for you
Freeze your blood and then stab it into in two
Stab your blood into me and end
I eat my own blood and get filled up get filled up
I get filled up on me and end
Freeze your blood and then stab it into me
Freeze your blood and then stab it into me
Freeze your blood and then stab it in two into me and blend
Turn off the light 'cause it's night on the sun
You're hopelessly hopeless
I hope so, for you
Well there's one thing to know about this town
It's five hundred miles underground; and that's alright
Well there's one thing to know about this globe
It's bound and it's willing to explode and that's alright
Well there's one thing to know about this town
Not a person doesn't want me underground
There's one thing to know about this town
It's five hundred miles underground; and that's ok
There's one thing to know about this earth
We're put here just to make more dirt; and that's ok
night on the sun...